I hate this part... the part where I felt ok recently enough to remember what it was like, the part where I start sinking into that black pit and am totally conscious of it but can't do a dang thing about it, the part where I know what's coming and am helpless to stop it...

oddly enough, the holidays were really good for me this year. often they're sort of bittersweet, having to see family, knowing how they feel about me, trying to enjoy the time in spite of 'all that'. this year we stayed home, me the hubby and the kids, and just enjoyed being together.

once January came (the beginning of a very hard time of year for me), I had this feeling of 'the fun is over now, here comes the dark cloud again'.

each day that passes I feel like I'm sinking deeper and drifting further away from myself. the feelings of numbness and emptiness are back today and I just want to crawl into bed and hide.

depression is stupid.