There is this guy I hang out with. I tell everyone he is my brother, and well, he sometimes tells people Im his sister. We have a platonic love going on, although I know. its one sided. He is just a prick. he has a euroasian girlfriend, who happens to be my very close friend. I wont call them best friends. Coz the moment I do, they will leave me. The gf, K left for Bali 6 months ago and I took care of P for 6 months, buying him food and everything when he was broke, paying for his semester fees although Im broke myself and also took him places so he can be happy. Today the K came back and as happy as I was to see her, I was estatic actually.. but... I couldnt take bear the part where they were overtly PDAing with me there and I know nobody is ever going to love me like that. And all the evil thoughts came gushing in. P was never there for me when I needed him. He turned against me when something horrible happened a month ago, and he really hurt me badly. And for 20 plus hours, I was with them, and all I could do is feign boredom or sleepiness to stop myself from crying. A couple hours ago we went out to eat and another group of friends were there. K and this group never liked each other. I went to say hello to the group and they forced me to sit down and eat with them. K said it was ok as long as I come back. But the group decided to taunt me and say I was fat and I was ugly and God knows which jungle I came from and so on. I just hit them right back, like I always do. But they dont know how fragile I am. They know I have an eating disorder. They know I cut myself. I have cut myself in front of them during a drunk episode. But they still do it.
They dont know that I have decided that this year will be my last year... and if things still dont get better.. I have waited for 14 years for things to get better... I texted one of my friends saying Im not in a good place right now and I needed to talk. He said another day.. when will that day come? one of the guys said the day I become thin is the day the world comes to a stop. I weigh 90lbs and 5"3. how many lbs do I have to lose somemore for the tainting to stop. Will it stop when I am at my deathbed?

Im scared.. because I know.. if i start crying right now, there wont be a last year.. just a last day..

Why isnt anyone fighting to keep me in this world?