Thank you everyone. Sannah I think it is an issue that might be worth exploring but I just can't seem to move on it. Sunrise I'll check out the book recommend. I totally get what you were saying about the underlying willingness or at least the basic desire to change on both people's part. My H and I have both changed significantly, were both trying, but both have...confounding factors at play that at the moment make addressing our relationship issues seem impossible...I know nothing is impossible.
I guess as I reflect this evening I juwt don't know if "I" want to put myself through the stress of tackling yet another set of problems. I'm kind of ok with how things are with h at the moment. Just yesterday his comments suggested he isn't. Last year, I was still angry at him for all the stuff he had done and all the crap that came up from inside me as a result of seeking therapy. I didn't have enough energy left over to even care about what he wanted or needed from me. Now that anger has dissipated somewhat. I'm not as caught up in my own crap and have the capacity to care. I guess I just like have a relationship where I don't feel pressures to do things that lead me to feeling nauseous and filthy. I know its abnormal to feel that way when in a committed relationship..but that's my issue. I care about my H but I just can't handle going back to that.

Also, I discontinued therapy a few months ago. I ended my therapy in a very positive way, my relationship with my T has changed and I cannot go back. There was no ethics violation, nothing negative, and I am ok with how things are. So, if I wqnt to tackle this issue I'm either doing it without assistance or starting fresh with a new T.
Finally sunrise you asked if h and I would go as a couple or if I would go solo. In my previous therapy after H initially refused to participate and family therapy turned into dealing with childhood excavation I refused to let him be involved. But I think he would have to be involved this time.