In spite of the post session blues hitting already, my session was pretty good. In spite of the email situation, even. My T said to think of it as her caring MORE about me because she sees how I'm triggered by her responses. I said that rarely happens, but she said "when it does, it's very hard for you". I said it's devastating. She says her job is to make things better for me, not for me to be feeling worse by emails. I said in the beginning it was the best thing about therapy for me, and she said we didn't know each other too well then. So, I can email her but she won't email back. Well, knowing she's make this boundary for ME, not for her, helps somewhat. I'll see how it goes. She said she will always read my emails.

We started doing IFS about the adult part who wanted to connect with her but I started talking about something else. My eyes were still closed and she asked me to open them! She said we were meandering and that was okay, that since we were now having a conversation she wanted us to look at each other.

I liked the "meandering". I had to ask if what she's doing is going to help me with my "pattern". She said yes, that's what she is trying to do, to get more people in my life besides her. I told her it was too soon to tell me all that she's been telling me about taking care of my parts, etc. She wanted to know what's helpful to me. This reminded of the reverse of what tree and her T did. She didn't care if it was really helpful, or just my fantasy of what is. I said emails! Then I said "the bears", when she says she likes me, which she did again today, when she gave me 1 1/2 hr. sessions, when she gives me more, makes me feel special, and more that I can't remember. It was freeing to tell her those things, and she thanked me.

She is going to look for a group for me since I told her how much I like PC. I mean a group in RL, though she agrees that PC is like group therapy.

At the end of the session she asked what could we do so I wouldn't leave feeling bad. I sort of hesitated and she asked if I wanted to hold her hand. I said I did, but the child parts weren't there, I was an adult in the session. That was all right with her, so she came and sat next to me and held my hand. We talked about religion, of all things. I wanted to ask about her beliefs and she told me.

I felt connected to her as an adult today. I didn't cry though I told her I wished I could in the beginning of the session. We also did breathing first, as a prelude to meditation. I'm not used to breathing out through my nose, but I did it. I said I'm open to doing EMDR next week!

I was proud of myself because I was honest and told her my feelings. She printed my email but didn't want me to look at at! She is very much into how she and I are reacting at the moment in therapy. I really like that though it's hard for me.

I've got to make dinner.