Tues. 01/04/2011 9:45 p.m.
Long time since my last visit. Lots going on. Fighting forclosure and bankrupcy. No $ for groceries ; thank God for church charity food pantries! Eating lots of beans and rice. We are middle-aged. This is not how we expected to be living after 2-plus decades of dedicated work in therapy, not to mention four years with the Marine Corps, and a wide variety of other work experiences.
Fighting exhaustion every day, fighting despair. Four major surgeries in the past five years. A stroke last year. Cataract surgeries this year. Piles of medical bills that will never get paid.
The one thing I have, that noone can take away, is the love of my life, my best friend and spouse. We have known each other since 1992 - became friends - became dear friends - discovered love - got married - and we are still going strong. She is my gift from God, my reason for getting up every morning, my comforter every night, the one person who has chosen to love me and is more essentially decent, loyal and kind than anyone I've ever known. Her smile lights up a room. People are attracted to her "good vibes"; she accepts people "as is", without conditions or reservations.
We may be broke (VERY), and assailed on all sides by forces that mean us harm; but we have prevailed and will continue to prevail. Every night, without fail, we can say to each other: "We've done our best today. Let's get some rest and start tomorrow with that same ambition. I love you."
Multiplicity is NOT, contrary to some recent comments, a "lifestyle choice" that seems to be "celebrated" in some bizarre ways. Multiplicity was a brilliant coping mechanism, created in the face of unspeakable trauma, terror, violation and violence. I do not celebrate my multiplicity; I work with it. It is severely handicapping for anyone who has ambitions for success, of any kind, in the mainstream of society. It does not "go away", as some people seem to wish (False Memory Syndrome Society, for instance), and it cannot be forced back into the closet, where it was before the late 1980's.
Well, now I'll step down off my soap-box and return to my first intention. HELLO, everyone! It's been ages since I visited this group. It gets lonely out here, as I'm sure you will agree. My spouse has been integrated for almost ten years, and is doing wonderfully well. As for myself, well...I am still struggling. My psychiatrist of many years is retiring this year. He also conducted my therapy; so I'm interviewing prospective therapists now. Hoping to dovetail some appointments so that the new therapist and my M.D. can swap notes and come up to speed for me.
I would like to connect with some like-minded folks: mature, in solid partner/spouse relationships, interested in brainstorming some new coping skills and sorting out how to turn creative and forward-looking goals into realities. NO "war stories" PLEASE! I've heard it all, twice; and what I haven't heard, I've lived through personally. I am about today and about tomorrow. I am working on the issue of losses, of which most people have many. Grief and anger, too. And ultimately, my goal is to get the monkey named "the Past" off my back completely and permanently. I want to reclaim my life and live it better than I ever have before. Does this strike a chord with anyone out there?
Hoping for a response,