I'm sorry you're having a particularly bad time.
We love the way we love, and we do our best and keep trying.
Good days, bad days, good days, bad days, good days, bad days.
We care for our children and the bond we have with them is profound. I don't know how to think about my love for them. I can say that it has changed many, many times and that, finally, it feels like it might be "normal"--and I know that my bonds with them are stronger than the bonds some of my kids' friends have with their parents. I've let myself become the "good enough" mom, and it is good enough, took the pressure off, and there are some fine moments that I'd never have dreamt of.
Keep the faith.