In fact, if I really thought it would work I'd avoid it for the rest of my life.

I had a reallllllly goooooood session yesterday with my therapist. Okay, I feel like **** as a result of the session, but it's not because she's a bad therapist. It's because it was just bad/triggering stuff. Which I brought upon myself! I brought it up, which was scary as hell... and made a 50 min session approximately 1 hour and 30 minutes... (I feel bad about that, even though she said that if she had to go she would have found a way to go). I hate myself more than usual. I feel triggered more than usual.

I guess I was waiting for us to breach the topic of abuse stuff, and it's now been done. Does that mean I'm going to feel anxious every single time I go to a session now?! Does that mean we're now going to go through this same stuff every week? I mean, I've done therapy for years but never had this much discussion of "bad stuff" like I have done recently.

I did do the responsible thing and asked to see her in a week, instead of two. I think I knew I'd wake up today and still feel like crap from yesterday. And of course I don't want to be a bother so I wont call her even if she told me I could. Man, I'm too stubborn for my own good.

Even with the meditative stuff she taught me and visualization stuff... I still feel yuck. How do people process? How do people chillax and realize that feelings are not, in fact, going to beat me up? How do people even stay focused in the present?

I'm totally useless. I'm doing a diploma so I can do counselling (not therapy, they're different) for a living and I can't even help myself. Sigh.

<--- I'm just going to be hiding over in that general direction.