As some of you may know, my T is on vacation, and I won't see her until Monday. In the meantime I have seen my pdoc twice this week, though both times have been unhelpful. I thought at first that if she were here, I'd feel better, or that I'd feel better once she returned. I don't think that's the case.

I feel so hopeless. I cannot get over things that happened 10-20 years ago. I am tormented in my sleep and I have daily flashbacks. I have debilitating panic attacks. I ruined my marriage and have run away most of my friends. I am so alone. My T thinks i have the capacity to change, despite her believing I am BPD. But how do I change when I am tormented, when I always feel so sad, scared, or angry? Medication does little for me. I see my T three times a week now and I have been with her for 1.5 years. I have tried T a few times before her. I just think it's all pointless.

And now I am back to wanting to die. I don't have plans to kill myself, and I don't think I want to. But I do not know how to overcome my despair and not constantly desire my death. I know this is why I do stupid self-destructive things all the time.

So now I wonder should I just enter into some sort of treatment program? I feel unable to get of my bed most days. It's a constant struggle. I just cry and hope that the gods have mercy on me and strike me dead. I am just going through the motions to pass my classes and I fear that if I do not get help now I will ruin a promising career I have set for the upcoming future.

As an aside, my beloved T emailed me this morning to say she's safe and having fun and sorry that I am struggling again. I am glad she was so kind to send me a few words.