Hi PC friends

I have been SO ANGRY in the days following therapy sessions lately, no matter how session went (and Monday's session was awesome, you know? But still! The anger!) I sent an e-mail to T late last night, and asked for a response, but he never responded. I'm not surprised...he's really difficult to communicate with on Wednesdays...but I still feel kind of "out there" with the whole thing. So, I just want to post it here, because I don't feel like being alone with it. It's long.

Hi T,

Well, here I am not sleeping again, even though I've had WAY than my fair share of klonopin (I can't even FEEL it - maybe it's a bad batch or something). I should be knocked out. But. Here I am.

So, I had this big anger thing today. Followed closely by "I'm going to take every pill in the world" (which I didn't follow through on, obviously). At first, I thought, I'm just going to accept this. There doesn't have to be a reason for it. It can just be what it is.

But, I don't know. It just kind of kept pushing and pushing at me. I finally decided to let myself think about it for a limited time (like 10 minutes). I think I spent three of those minutes leaving you a voice mail message. I did start to get the feeling that the anger comes the day after therapy sessions.

So, after the kids went to bed tonight, I looked through some old e-mails. OMG. So much crappy unfinished business. I guess that's the ****** thing about once a week. This stuff gets opened up and there's no resolution. All of this time goes by, and it's on to the next thing.

Things I am angry about that we started talking about but never went anywhere with:
1. The way my body responded to what happened. Ugh. UGH.
2. The fact that we still call it "that thing that happened". *I* am scared to call it whatever the hell it is - what IS it? molestation? sexual abuse? they seem like such big words. this is one of those moments when you feel like my parent and I just want you to TELL me already and release me from the confusion, the fear of making it too big of a deal, the fear that it ISN'T a big deal. I mean. What IS it? What is it?
3. The difficulty of switching to once a week. When we "miss" each other in a session, I have to sit with stuff for SO long. I feel like I've worked so hard and built up these coping skills...and then it feels like my coping skills last exactly 3 days, if that. 7 days feels like a lifetime. And I think it leads to the discontinuity in numbers 1 and 2 up there and I end up with all of these stupid open wounds.
4. The fact that I still need so much help. I want to be a HELPER. Not someone who NEEDS help.
5. MY MOM. MY MOM!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
6. My little parts and their loud loud loud needs and my teen part and her loud loud loud anger.

Ack. Obviously I'm into lists right now, huh?

I loved session yesterday. L-O-V-E-D it. Loved it. So what the hell, you know?

And the thing is, I AM TRYING SO HARD. I AM TRYING. I pray every night and thank god for the many many many many many good things in my life. I ask him to help me show other people the grace that he shows me. I ask him to help me connect with the people in my life that I am so lucky to have. And I pray every morning and thank him for another day, and ask for help in doing the next right thing.

I look for grace, everywhere. I am OPEN. I am ready. I see the grace.

I know living in the tension is good and healthy. But I don't know. I'm not sure I'm exactly there.