ok T often says yes part of my missing her is about her, that is real, but that its not just about that. So saw T yesterday after the xmas break and was relieved that the feeling of wanting to punch her had passed, infact as I sat in the car waiting for my session I'd made my mind up to remain silent all session, but then the internal arguing kicked in and the voice in my head was saying, "if your going to use silence as a punishment, well T is bigger then that and it will only keep YOU stuck", so I entered session and begun my onslaught of how it hurts when shes gone, how any day she could make her absence permanent, how she could one day give me a reasonable explanation of why shes quitting and I'd have to just accept it, then suddenly I stopped looked at T and said "ohhhhh I'm talking about something else here aren't I?" T said, "go on" I said I'm talking about my experience of being in the womb with my birth mother where whether she was good mother or not, it was near perfect in the womb then I am handed over to another mother that wasn't her. "T kept listening" and I said, I think I see now where you normally say about some of the feelings being about you now, but they are also about other experiences.

I begun to talk about how the reality of seeing her yesterday sitting there in front of me was "loud" compared to that place I go to whenever triggered by absences and breaks, and how could I ever have believed she wasn't coming back? It all seemed so obvious sitting with her yesterday, I said the cotton wool place I go too feels strange right now. T kept wanting me to talk more about that place, but it was difficult, I could feel and understand the different inside of me.

At one point at the start of session when I was still in one of those "flashback" places I said that I feel as if I'm playing a chess game with T and I can never win, no matter where i move, and T simply said, "you feel as if I'm against you not on your side? what about the part that helps you and isn't trying to outmaneuver you? I stopped and said, oh I forgot that part, it didn't even come into it, T said, perhaps it needs to? I was silent for a while wondering why I can't think that myself? T said its as if your "mother-inside-you" gets you which every way you move, perhaps we should continue telling her to piss off? (yes T's words) and I heard that this time, I stopped again and tilted my head and thought, yeah why don't I? why do I still allow this "mother-inside-me" to have the final say all the time.

T said, are you afraid to believe or think about the me that helps you, that wants to help you and be on your side because your afraid it will disappear? as she said that I realized that ties into my birth experience, the being in the womb in a state of perfection only to be born and have that disappear and replaced by a cruel not mother.

I looked at T a lot yesterday, wanted too, needed too, it was a rewarding session, and am always surprised and comforted all over again at the genuineness in T's voice, her really being interested and really wanting to help me.