dearest Tree.

You do so well, trying to tolerate the feelings; thinking of possible ways to address them (including hosp); handling obsessive thoughts by saying, i will think about them for just 10 minutes; making a list (my T would really give you a gold star for that)
about your list
1. the body is a body; when the air is cold, it shivers; when it comes in contact with something hot, it hurts. One's will does not reside in the body; your intelligence and will are your highest powers but they can't control the body but so far. You can will to look right or left, or sit down or raise your hand; but you can't will to stop breathing, you can't will your heart to stop beating; you can't will your nerve endings to not respond (granted, you might dissociate; but that's in the mind too, not the body)
2. this will change in time, with patience and T's good skills. Be gentle with yourself.
3. Timing changes are so hard. My going from 3 wks to once a week was an ENORMOUS change. Now events are moving me back to 2-3-even 4 wks, and it's tremendously hard to make an adjustment. T says that the adjustment will come, though, so I guess I believe it can. Hopefully for you too.
4. I love you for #4. You certainly can be both though. You are already a helper to your sons, to yr DH, and ABSOLUTELY to people on PC, who need a unique kind of help. Don't ever doubt that you're a helper.
5. wow. Do I ever recognize this one. Your anger is a good tool here; you and T might explore what it can do for you in this area.
6. There are other parts, ones that were so greviously harmed, whose needs have had to come first. For these parts you mention now, there's time for them to be heard and attended to.

You ARE trying!! I wish you could see the good that flows from you. Please go gently, dear friend.