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Old Jan 06, 2011, 08:58 AM
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SpiritRunner SpiritRunner is offline
Magnate
 
Member Since: Dec 2010
Location: in my skin and soul
Posts: 2,984
Quote:
Originally Posted by treehouse View Post
Hi PC friends

I have been SO ANGRY in the days following therapy sessions lately, no matter how session went (and Monday's session was awesome, you know? But still! The anger!) I sent an e-mail to T late last night, and asked for a response, but he never responded. I'm not surprised...he's really difficult to communicate with on Wednesdays...but I still feel kind of "out there" with the whole thing. So, I just want to post it here, because I don't feel like being alone with it. It's long.

Hi T,

Well, here I am not sleeping again, even though I've had WAY than my fair share of klonopin (I can't even FEEL it - maybe it's a bad batch or something). I should be knocked out. But. Here I am.

So, I had this big anger thing today. Followed closely by "I'm going to take every pill in the world" (which I didn't follow through on, obviously). At first, I thought, I'm just going to accept this. There doesn't have to be a reason for it. It can just be what it is.

But, I don't know. It just kind of kept pushing and pushing at me. I finally decided to let myself think about it for a limited time (like 10 minutes). I think I spent three of those minutes leaving you a voice mail message. I did start to get the feeling that the anger comes the day after therapy sessions.

So, after the kids went to bed tonight, I looked through some old e-mails. OMG. So much crappy unfinished business. I guess that's the ****** thing about once a week. This stuff gets opened up and there's no resolution. All of this time goes by, and it's on to the next thing.

Things I am angry about that we started talking about but never went anywhere with:
1. The way my body responded to what happened. Ugh. UGH.
2. The fact that we still call it "that thing that happened". *I* am scared to call it whatever the hell it is - what IS it? molestation? sexual abuse? they seem like such big words. this is one of those moments when you feel like my parent and I just want you to TELL me already and release me from the confusion, the fear of making it too big of a deal, the fear that it ISN'T a big deal. I mean. What IS it? What is it?
3. The difficulty of switching to once a week. When we "miss" each other in a session, I have to sit with stuff for SO long. I feel like I've worked so hard and built up these coping skills...and then it feels like my coping skills last exactly 3 days, if that. 7 days feels like a lifetime. And I think it leads to the discontinuity in numbers 1 and 2 up there and I end up with all of these stupid open wounds.
4. The fact that I still need so much help. I want to be a HELPER. Not someone who NEEDS help.
5. MY MOM. MY MOM!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
6. My little parts and their loud loud loud needs and my teen part and her loud loud loud anger.

Ack. Obviously I'm into lists right now, huh?

I loved session yesterday. L-O-V-E-D it. Loved it. So what the hell, you know?

And the thing is, I AM TRYING SO HARD. I AM TRYING. I pray every night and thank god for the many many many many many good things in my life. I ask him to help me show other people the grace that he shows me. I ask him to help me connect with the people in my life that I am so lucky to have. And I pray every morning and thank him for another day, and ask for help in doing the next right thing.

I look for grace, everywhere. I am OPEN. I am ready. I see the grace.

I know living in the tension is good and healthy. But I don't know. I'm not sure I'm exactly there.
You write so well! I could have written most of that myself, too - I understand intimately a great part of your struggle/emotions here.
I understand the anger, I understand the wanting to be a helper and not wanting to need so much help, and I understand the looking for grace - these are all parts of me, too.
One thing, about wanting to be a helper/not wanting to need help - well, being able to understand the need for help/accept help when you need it is something that does help you to be a better helper! So both are possible at once, really - even though you need help, you can still be a helper, and really be a better helper for it. I see how you help so much on here. You have a heart for it, I can see that - and that's because you are looking for grace, you have found grace, and you have it to share!
I'm looking for this grace, too, and want so much to be able to hold on to my thankfulness for grace given - and give it in turn, too!