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ThePainNeverDies · Jan 06, 2011, 04:16 PM

I have been giving recovery a really good go, I honestly have. I've put a lot of effort into refraining from self harm. I've not self harmed in just over 4 months which is a huge achievement for me. I've had troubles with ED and such but I'm getting over those now and starting to eat so much better than I was. Man, I can hardly stop being hungry because my metabolism's shot right up!

But right now, I'm starting to struggle more than I have been. Maybe it's because I'm going home from my fiance's home on Monday and I'm worried about that, but I don't know. I just feel like I want to cry and scream and shout. I really do and I don't understand why

I've been really good drinking herbal tea, eating healthily and letting myself relax with a bath before bed every night and reading, writing and doing my music and modeling.

But tonight I've tried to play my guitar and I just feel like I'm rubbish at it. I feel like the World's most awful model and like I'll never be good enough for anything. Why oh WHY are these feelings coming back???

My Care co-ordinator hasn't seen me in over a month because I've been away and now she's off for a week so when I get back I won't have her support and I don't want to turn to the crisis team because I'm not in crisis... But at the same time I'm so worried about what'll happen when I get home, how I'll feel, what I'll do when I see all those letters and bills piled up on the floor by my door.

I'm not gonna be happy when I walk into that door, I just know my heart will sink and I'll burst into tears. And that'll be the start of yet another break down of some sort. What am I gonna do then?!

I feel so lost and like I'm failing at everything. I'm trying to get a job but nowhere will accept me, I'm trying to do my modeling but it involves traveling and with no money I can't do that. My final shoot here is tomorrow and that'll give me £70 for 2 hours work which is good going but it goes quickly when there are bills and such to pay And that won't even cover a quarter of all the money I owe.

My olod flat mate has really dropped me in the s--t leaving me with 3 months' unpaid bills of his, plus rent AND he didn't tell the council and jobcentre that he'd left. So I've decided eff it. His Mum lied to me saying he'd not moved back in with her but I have since found out he has, so I know she was protecting her own benefits from the government. So I'm gonna drop them ALL in it by telling the jobcentre that he's living there and I'm gonna tell them the truth, that he DID work for 2 weeks while claiming benefits. GRRRR it pisses me off so much!!!

I'm really struggling here guys and totally stuck for how I'll cope when I get home. I don't want to rely on David all the time to keep me oing. I KNOW I can stand on my own two feet but I'm just not ready for the blast I'll get when I go home...

I have a friend coming to stay for 5 days on 20th Jan, which will be a great help. But I'm really not sure how to get through the 10 days before that. I make it all look so easy and fake so much that I'm okay and that I'm happy and not bothered about going home, but deep down I'm panicking, really panicking. I wish I could just SHOW someone that!!!

If I cry now, David will think someone's upset me online or something and I feel like maybe deep down he's thinking 'Oh for goodness sake, here we go again!' whenever I cry or get worried/go silent or something... He says he's not, when I ask, but I can't help but think it must be so annoying and be getting so boring for him now too. He's said he feels frustration because he doesn't know if he's helping and that frustration is towards himself. But he helps more than anyone ever has or will. He does so much for me. I don't understand why I keep going downhill. Maybe I want someone to care for me all the time, be there more often, not just have me myself and I all on my own. I'm so sick of being there on my own.

We've discussed moving in together and we're gonna do taht but we can't do it until either he gets a job where I live or I get a job and save loads of money to live here because it's almost double the cost to rent here or even buy...

Anyway, enough ramblings. I'm so worried

Can anyone help??

thanks for being so supportive everyone, you've all been absolute gems