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See the psychiatrist tomorrow at the hospital. Dreading it.

Phoned my GP yesterday evening and he wants to see me tomorrow too in the evening. He's not happy.

Struggling to explain why I decided I wanted to stop the meds. I've written it out and printed it off so I can give it to psych / dr if I can't tell them tho I don't know if I will give it to psych as I don't trust him.

TRIGGER WARNING










I want to give up. I can't but I want to. I think it is different parts of me wanting to give up and knowing I have to carry on because of my family.


I feel hopeless. I feel like I am never going to get through this. I feel like I am not getting anywhere, not getting any better. I feel a drain on others. I feel I am not worth helping. I feel that some people perceive me as not deserving help. Those are the perceptions of part of me.

At the same time another part of me knows that I could never hurt my family as much as going away (in whatever sense) would.

The negative part of me came up with the idea of reducing my meds. It wanted me to get to the stage where I could give up. The thought is there that maybe I will get so low that I will actually commit suicide. I can't do that while I have ANY sense of control. But it is a battle within me.

I want to give up. I can't but I want to.

I agreed last night with my GP that I would do the following:
Take 4mg diazepam in the evenings, last night and tonight.
Take a sleeping tablet at bed time, last night and tonight.
Take 150mg dothiepin (not the 225mg that I was on before because of the side effects) last night and tonight.
Go to see him tomorrow after work.

I'm keeping to that and there is some sense of relief that I have been told what to do.
I feel out of control. When I have spoken to people about how I am feeling they keep saying how illogical it is, but that seems irrelevant. I don't know what is happening. I do feel a war within myself. I'm confused.

That's where I am. I don't know who or what I am right now, except confused and very very low.
I cried at work today, in the classroom. That was a first for me. I did manage to prevent the students from knowing. It was so stupid. I was reading answers to questions from the board and I kept making silly mistakes. I would see one number and say another. I would read the wrong number, from a different row. I got so frustrated with myself. I told the kids I was feeling unwell and needed to take a moment. I went into the corridor for about 30 seconds, took some deep breaths and returned. It's never happened like that before. Usually I can keep my emotions locked away while I am teaching.

C

(edited to remove some errors and add more warnings - I don't want anyone to be hurt by this post.)