This was too explicit for the abuse section, so please take care in reading. Could be very triggering to those who are sensitive.




I’ve been submissive sexually for a lot of my life. I’ve never known how to be assertive, so initiation was always a problem for me until I got older. I would have such intense fear of rejection and abandonment that I couldn’t make that move to take things to the next level. I’d always allow the woman I was with to give me the signals and I would proceed. It’s likely a self-confidence issue and something I developed as a defensive mechanism. My first adult sexual experience was marred by an insensitive partner that made me extremely sensitive about my performance until I realized I was just inexperienced.

In the relationship after that, I barely had to try to please my partner. It was what many would refer to as an “explosive” combination. I was young and naïve; I was very deeply in love. There were so many warning signs about the relationship. She once tied me up and left the room, leaving the door open so my roommates could see me tied to the bed, naked. She liked shaming and slapping me around. She stopped taking her birth control without telling me and we got pregnant.

Immediately my life changed, my priorities shifted, as they should for anyone attempting to be a responsible parent. The mother of my daughter became so unstable, I don’t even know how to describe it. She would get angry hit me or wave knives around at me. She cut me a couple of times.

She slept with our roommate at 5 months pregnant with my daughter. She did it while her parents were in town and staying with us. It was revenge for standing up to her parents when they insulted me. I was sleeping in our living room in a beanbag chair because her parents were sleeping in our bed. A few hours before, while her parents were out, they kissed in front of me and laughed at me together. She told me what she was going to do before she did it. She told me if I said anything, she would leave town with her parents and I’d never even have a chance to meet our baby. She later recounted the entire experience to me in vivid detail. I’d had enough. I didn’t want to be with her anymore, not to mention have sex. She obviously cared nothing for my feelings.

We slept in different beds or at different times for about a week. Afterwards, she approached me while I was sleeping and woke me up, asking me to have sex. She shamed me, telling me that it was my duty as her future husband to give her what she wanted. I told her no. Of course not, what about the other guy?

This wasn’t good enough for her. She became darker, more menacing. She sat down next to me on the bed and touched my thigh. She said if I didn’t, she would leave and never come back. She would make sure that I never saw my daughter. She would tell her parents that I raped her. She touched my face lovingly as she said the last part and smiled. It was a terrifying dichotomy.

I told her no again, to call her bluff. Her hand tensed and she pulled me by my hair as hard as she could, bunching it up in her hands. She was bigger than me, and I wasn’t strong enough to keep her off of me without using enough force that I thought I’d harm the baby. She straddled me and started kissing my neck, threats pouring from her mouth as she came up for air. She told me I’d let her do anything she wanted. She told me I’d give her all of myself, and that I would belong to her forever. She shamed me for my reactions, positive or negative. I begged her, pleaded with her to stop this. She clawed my chest hard enough to draw blood. She told me that if I couldn’t, she would follow through with every threat. She said she would make my life a living hell.
So I did. I let her have what she wanted and faked my reactions. I retreated inside myself and cried. Tears streamed down my face. She saw them and wouldn’t stop. I didn’t want to let her see me cry, but I didn’t have a choice. It seemed to make her enjoy it more.

Afterwards, she didn’t talk to me. She has never acknowledged it happened.

I’ve told people this story before, only a trusted few. The reactions were mixed. Some don’t believe that a man could be taken like that, that it’s physiologically impossible. I don’t really know how to explain it, but of course I felt pleasure, but the pleasure was twisted into something I didn’t want, something hurtful, controlling and manipulative. I still feel so much shame, not even really for her assaulting me. I am ashamed because I allowed myself to be manipulated, to be controlled in such a facile way.

I still talk to her almost every week. She has custody of my daughter. It’s hard to deal with. I’d do it all over again for my daughter, though. She is more than worth it.