I spent the first 8 or so months not really sharing much of anything. I guess you could say I just talked about 'surface issues'. My T told me that that part was necessary for me to be able to get to the root of what was really going on.

I cannot tell you what happened to 'flip the switch', but it happened. I emailed my T and told her I needed to come in asap. I was afraid if I didn't, I would lose my nerve and not be able to do it.

When I went to that appointment, I was in sweats and a T-shirt. She knew right away that something was up! I usually go my appointments from work and wear dress clothes.

I asked her to step out of the room and allow me a few moments to get myself together. When she came back in, I was huddled in the corner with a pillow and sobbing! She came over and sat across from me and just waited until I was ready to talk.

This was the changing point in my therapy. It has not been the same since them. I still have a hard time going, still hate it, still wish I didn't need it, still have times when I shut down, etc....but I am so glad that I can express myself now. That takes A LOT of courage!

As for advice to anyone who is struggling, do whatever works for you. Don't feel that you have to 'conform' to what a 'normal' therapy session should look like.

If you want to lie down, do it. If you want to walk around, do it. If you feel like huddling in the corner of the room, go for it! If you feel awkward looking at your T when you are talking, don't. If you need to bring a pillow and blanket (like I do), bring it. If you need to bring a stuffed animal, take it! Do what works for you. We are all different and have different needs. Don't be embarrassed about doing what you need to do to feel comfortable.

For once, this is ALL ABOUT YOU! Take advantage of the gift. If my T told me that I would be bringing a blanket, pillow, and cloth diaper (my cry rag) with me to our sessions, I would have told her she was nuts! If she said that at some point we would be doing sessions in the floor, I would have told her she must be some kind of quack!