Welome Korana. You have to know you are not alone in your struggle. There are a lot of folks just like us here how will listen without judging you and will offer kind and helpful advice. I know it is hard to talk to therapist about these things all the pain and hidden emotions that flood your mind when you talk about the past and then there are the trust issues. I know. I stopped going my self but I am resolved that I will go back. So much unfinished business that I never told him that still there. You need to find a therapist you trust. We can offer advice and will listen but you really need to see someone and soon. You are crying out for help because your in a dark place. We have all been there. I always tell my self I'm fine I just need to get it together until the next time I'm triggered have family in tears and walking on egg shells around me. I have two boys who I want to be nothing like me but I fear if I don't seek help that is what will happen. I am a Guy so I cannot even image the terrible things you described here today but I will say that it was very brave of you and that you are taking a good first step asking for help. You should seek the help of a professional therapist. It might take time to find.one You trust but don't give up. It took me a while to open up myself and talking others they took longer and have gone through several doctors until they found one they trusted. So don't give up and keep asking for help until you find the right doctor for you. Hang in there.