At this momment I feel so lost, discouraged and fustrated. I feel as if there is no one around me who could understand what I've been feeling. I guess the holidays have taken there toll on me. also the fact that I have not worked in 5 months and have absoultly no money to get anybody anything. I have moved out of my apartment, seeing how my mother said she would share my car that I gave her with me and that she would be understanding towards what I'm going threw. The past month that I have been home she's been pressuring me to get a job. but, at the same time I'm very limited to the area and time. so I can fit it around her schedule which is 9-5. virtually impossible to find a job from 9:30 - 4:30. it really looks like I have to go back into the automotive Industrie just to have what I had. It fustrates me and upsets me because I have no stability anywhere in the industrie and it partly has to do with the fact that I'm a woman and old politics that where spread about me. I get the worst anxiety just driving by a dealership but for now it looks like I have no choice. all my friends around me are getting married and starting there lives. makes me wounder if there is something wrong with me. I can't stop botteling everything up. I sit there at night in the dark next to my boyfriend my mind just races and I stare into the darkness with tears falling to my side. I can't help but wonder how my life is going to turn out. I feel trapped and angry. at my mothers house sleeping is impossible even if I did get sleepy, my mother has a boyfriend who is about 30. I keep my distance and hardley talk to him. I was molested at the age of 9 by my x-stepfather and don't feel I can trust any man. I just want to prevant anything that could happen b/c I know he's a womenizer and an Alcholic. my mother never believed me the first time when I told her I was molested. the more I'm at home the more angrier I get at her.Being away from home made our relationship alot better.now it's just falling apart. I don't feel safe there, I want my privicy back in the worst way.I have my boyfriends x- mas party tommorow and I'v been up all night trying to figure out a way to get out of it. all the people that I usto work with will be there, everyone asking me what I'm doing.I'v lost everything. I feel so week and it makes me so angry. I donno why I take everything so personal, I make myself sick. gotta go just needed to vent

When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth & love have always won. there have been tyrants & murderers, and for a time they can be invincible, but in the end they always fall.think of it... always. Mohandas Gandhi...