So today in T I told T that I've found a way to tell my mother to piss off, that instead of fighting memories of her, I've realised if I allow myself to consiously see her in the room with me THEN I can tell her to piss off, I can't do just internally. T nodded and said yes, I think by doing it that way your be able to make more room inside to use me...I said I've been thinking why I am unable to just walk away from my past...it feels as if I did then what would I become? T said yes thats the problem when you've been emotionally abused by the person who also "cared" for you, you go back out of habit because your afraid without them what is there? I nodded then and said yeah thats just how it feels, then I smiled and said, guess its true then there was something not right in my life during childhood lol...but finally finding a way for me to tell mother to piss of feels likek it will work better...glad I've arrived at this because I was struggling with just telling the internal mother to piss off, it won't working...

I then talked about something that was big in the news last summer, a middle aged woman was caught on someones CCTV stroking their cat on a garden wall then picking it up and putting in their bin...oh gosh everyone was up in arms over here over that story, and I said to T today I know what she was doing..once I see she'd remained a spinster and still lived at home with her mother I realised she was having to get rid of the cuddly vunrable part of herself before she got home...I said I use to walk along as a kid and drag my fists against a brick wall before I went home....I siad I'd never want my kids to dedicate their life to me..and make sure I always encourage them to go live THEIR lifes...then I laughed again about the woman and the cat, so many people getting all rightious about cruelty to the cat, which by the way survived unhurt and couldnt see further then the end of their noses...tut tut, think think think!