I wish I had some sort of easy answer or suggestion for you, but it took a zero-consequences situation for me to be able to recognize my own abuse and accept it. I think the only person that can answer the question of whether you should pursue this is you.

I'm new here and have not experienced nearly as much professional therapy and counseling as many on the site, so I have to admit that I don't know the best course of action. However, you are not alone in your confusion and feelings. The best advice I can give from personal experience is to not force the issue and try to come to terms with it over time. Time grants an amount of perspective that almost nothing else can.