it's hard having to question everything you do, for a motive, or a cause,,, i hope you find a way out of that,,

sometimes in order to "peek under the hood", as it were, we need to stop judging and just let whatever is happening be OK. it must serve some need, or it wouldn't be happening,, so try to relax, use anxiety management skills,, (learn them if you haven't already) and then let your inner child reveal itself to you in it's own good time.

best wishes,, Gus