I can't speak for anyone else here, but the holidays stir up a great sadness due to many losses.

Loss of family members mainly, and the voids they've left behind. Two would have had birthdays in December (one on Christmas Eve) making their abscence even more blinding, like neon lights that leave you seeing spots.

Also, I think I grieve for the loss of that "normal" Walton-like family. No warm fuzzy memories here, just drunken brawls with the Christmas tree toppling over. A lot of anger during those years growing up, and of course fear mixed with shame.

Even in their beauty, Christmas Carols stop me in my tracks. I am always surprised by the sting of tears.

I try to engage in laughter.

I find it helps me to help others.

But there is still that underlying sadness that I wear like a heavy cloak and I muddle along, waiting for January 2nd.

Petunia