I've been clean 3 weeks this past Sunday. I've been going to meetings regularly plus my IOP meetings and starting over on my step work. I had gotten to step five but relapsed so now I'm back at one. Wow, the things that have changed. Anyway, through all this, me working the program and doing everything I can to stay clean, I still find it hard not to use. There's so much going on in my life right now that sometimes in the back of my mind, I can hear myself saying, "One hit of dope will make it all go away.", but I know it really won't so I don't go out and pick up again.

Last time I seen my sister (whom I'm having major problems with due to hurt she's caused me while in active addiction), she had a huge knot on her arm from shooting up in the same vein repeatedly and was really sick. We had gotten into an arguement and I left and I haven't seen her since. No one knows where she is and there's a part of me that wants to believe she's ok, but the bigger part of me knows deep down she's not doing too good if she is alive. I'm so worried.

Then I took my cousin in, who's 17 and an addict. Her mother and father are both cocaine addicts and the father is also a raging alcoholic. So needless to say, she had no where stable to go but here. I took her in under the agreement she would find a job, go to NA meetings with me, and go get her GED. I'd take care of the rest. She agreed. She gets a job at McDonalds and I buy her two new outfits for work plus the shoes. I bought her three pairs of pants and a jacket as well for christmas presents since she didn't have many cloths when she came here. I've paid for her share of the food and drinks and spent over $80 just in gas taking her back and forth to look for a job and take her to see her little sister two counties over. Am I complaining? No, I'm not, but I am a little hurt. I did all of this for her, hoping she'd get her life straight and do something with her life while she is young and still has a great chance of making something of herself. I took her in as if she were my own. I took A LOT of sexual abuse from her brother growing up so he wouldn't abuse her. I've always been so protective of her and have always taken care of her when she needed me to. Well, she took it all for granted this time around and left this evening. She said she didn't want my help anymore and she was "grown and can be on my own", in her words. I don't know where she is, if she's ok, or what she plans on doing. I'm worried about her and hurt that after all I did for her, she pretty much sh*ts on me and doesn't care.

I'm so tired of caring. Everytime I care, I get hurt. Everytime I reach out and help someone, it's taken for granted usually. I've had to say the serenity prayer eight times today to keep from going crazy and just going back out and getting high. What do you do when things get really tough to handle and you know you want to maintain your sobriety? How do you cope? Your coping mechanism, I guess? Advice would be grately appreciated. Thanks.