My father died as a result of his addictions to drugs and alcohol. He was abusive to me all my life and was even abusive to me when I took care of him while he was dying.

There were times when I angrily thought "Hurry up and die so I can get the insurance money!" and then would feel awful for thinking such things.

I was a mess when he died. On one hand, I was sad that my father had died. On the other hand, I felt kind of relieved that I don't have to endure his abusive behavior any more and then felt guilty about that.

I still struggle with it. I find myself wishing that he was alive for just a little bit so I can scream at him about what he has done to me. I wish that he was buried in the ground with a regular tombstone so I can vandalize his grave. He is buried in one of those crypt things, so throwing an egg at his grave would only cause it to slide down to the innocent people below.

I wanted to have him have a regular grave so that I can put dog ***** on it instead of flowers.

I wish that I can just let him go and not hold onto his toxic legacy.

I thought that having him die would set me free, but I feel like he's still causing problems from grave even.