ADHDpineapple, I can relate to your story and I understand some of your questions. My mom was an addict and she left me when I was about 3 years old. My father was/is a full blown alcoholic. I was raised by alcoholic grand parents and other family members. It was a very abusive and violent childhood. I started using drugs and drinking at a very young age to "cope" with life. I turned out to be a raging alcoholic and drug addict. I've been clean and dry for many years now. I thank my stars that I was able to see my addiction and decided to turn my life around. I have mended fences with my mom--she is my best friend now. However my dad is still an active alcoholic. One time I went over 10 years without seeing him because I was in recovery and it hurt me too much to see him suffer in the bottle. I've only seeen him a couple times in the past 13-14 years. It's just so hard to watch him kill himself. At one point I had a lot of rage about him not being a father to me because of the alcohol. I've let go of my anger towards him and I now have a lot of pity for his life circumstances. Although he really let me down as a father, I know deep in his heart he wanted to be there for me--he wanted to be a good father but the booze kept him from following through on that dream. It still keeps him from me. There is no doubt that I love him but I don't see how I can repair the broken promises while he is still an active alcoholic. I hate the damage alcohol and drugs has done to my family. It seemed like we were doomed from the beginning to fail...drugs and alcohol are powerful especially in child's lives.