Warning! This may be a trigger for those struggling with SI.

Why does therapy bring out so much anger! Anger that I didn't even know I had. Anger is probably the dominant thing going on with therapy right now. I haven't told T the degree of anger I am feeling, though.

We talked some last time. I told her that good "christian" people don't show anger. She was like "Where did you get that from?"

Tonight, out of nowhere ANGER started surfacing. I was thinking about crazy stuff. Like going to a public parking lot and bashing in all the car windows with a baseball bat! Or maybe taking a pair of scissors and stabbing a pillow until I ripped it to shreds and then starting in on my mattress!

Isn't that bizarre? That sounds like a crazy person, but I was really wanting to do something. In the past, a few times, I turned to burning myself. My arm has several burn marks around my wrist. It really looks like I tried to slit my wrists.

I regret so much ever doing that because now I have to explain to people what those marks are! Of course, I have to make up some lie. I can’t tell them the truth. I was thinking about doing that again tonight. I have only done that twice in the past 10 years, but I sure was thinking about it again.

Trying to think of where on my body I could burn myself and no one would notice. I was sinking fast and allowing my mind to go places that were just place ridiculous for an educated, intelligent, Christian to go to!

That kind of stuff was for people who were mentally ill, not people like me. I am too good for that. (That's what I was telling myself) I do have to remind myself that I do have a diagnosis of BiPolar, so I am technically classified as one who has a mental illness!

Out of the blue, I get a phone call from my son. He told me that my granddaughter (4 years old) wanted to come over and stay the weekend. At first, I was like, "This is really not a good time for me!"

I really think this was God thing. I needed something to snap me out of that insanity!