second day after seeing the "intake" doctor and getting evaluated as having ptsd ... which all of us have known for some time ... but now on a waiting list for therapy.

the night of the evaluation was a restless night, more so than a typical night with many vivid recollections that had been put away in those little mental boxes for safe keeping

but last night ... whew ... 4 hrs sleep again with dreams ... and awakening in near panic. who's on guard. how can we all be here sleeping with no one on guard. i have to get up. i did. decided that this is crazy. went back to bed. and laid there and cried feeling helpless. anxiety kept building so got up in 20 min. felt very nervous. kind of panic like. brushed teeth made coffee and anxiety kept building. do you remember how it was before going into a gun fight, some guys actually vomiting because of the fear. i felt like that. i actually felt like i was going to throw up. a real melt down.

i know there's no one outside in the blizzard waiting to attack. but i sure felt better when i picked up my gun and loaded it. the t asked if i owned weapons. when i told her yes she asked if i kept one under my pillow. i truthfully told her no, but i didn't elaborate and let her know that i kept it with me almost all the time and beside the bed at night.

typing all of this has helped calm me down some, no longer going to vomit, but that high alert in my muscles is still growing, in biceps and thighs and stomach and calves and up back of my neck. you know the readiness you feel when on ambush and the enemy is walking right toward you ... that's the feeling.

when i woke up i was crying. not only did i feel threatened, i felt defeated. i feel like this entry into the mental health realm is like surrender to the enemy (tearss) its like they win. i lose and i let everyone down by not continuing the fight. 9panic)d thix is not what i'd call completing the mission

my situation is microscopic compared to the experiences of those who will be reading it. but i need to tell somebody. thanks for letting me post it though th tearsd