I think any person in your position would be furious and having fantasies about destroying windshields. That's natural.

The question is, do you want to deal with it self-destructively by hurting yourself, or constructively by addressing it and perhaps resolving it within the relationship? Unfortunately you and your husband don't seem to understand one another on this; you are hurt, wounded particularly because of his past behavior, and he doesn't understand why you are affected. There are some big conversations to be had here, either with just the two of you or with you both and a counselor.

There is nothing wrong with FEELING anger. There is nothing wrong with EXPRESSING anger, either. I think those of us with a history of self-harm have been taught that expressing anger means someone gets hurt; thus, we hurt ourselves to avoid hurting others. But anger can be the driving force of constructive change, too.