last night during a conversation with a friend, apparently I ... switched. I was unaware until she said something later. and I had not told her anything about my *issues* until after it had happened.

this would be the first time, that i know of, that an alter has spoken up without me knowing. it was brief. i was sober. I guess my friend and I had been talking about sex (we often do.. have similar pasts, were both sa as kids, etc) and at some point my demeanor changed and I said very adamantly 'I hate sex.' I don't know if I said more than that or why I said it or what it was in response too.. but I have NO recollection of it happening. very disturbing to me.

i don't know what to do or how to feel. i have spent a lot of time looking for ways to convince myself that this isn't real. trying to find ways to explain it away. i'm running out of excuses.

yet still, there's one inside who tells me i'm a liar and a faker and an idiot. tells me i'm lying to myself. now tells me other people are lying to me.

i don't know if i will bring it up with T. i don't know if i'm ready for that.. part of me is scared, i suppose that she will agree with the one calling me a faker and i will look like and idiot. and part of me is scared that she will realize i'm not lying and then i will have a dx to deal with.

i was kind of just hoping it would all just go away..