I need some opinions.

My Therapist, PDoc and I have all worked hard these last few months tracking my moods, and swings. i just spent 5 days in he hospital for severe suicide ideation. (I held a knife over my wrist, and the only reason I couldn't do it was because i couldn't make someone else clean up my blood. not a good reason. i'm scared of my next major depressive episode even on lithium.)

But... i feel like my personality is a major player here. and how i seem to just try and adapt my personality to treat other people's personalities. like if they like to run, i start to run. they don't eat meat, i now suddenly don't eat meat. i shape and form my own personality to suit theirs so they like me more, or want to spend more time with me. i lie to my self to lie to others, because i don't have any sub-personality, in my opinion, when i am by my self. i have a few likes; like music and tv shows... but again, i only seem to like things because other people in my life that i spend time with (aka, friends/ room mates) like those things too, and did originally. i feel like i am a big copy cat.

maybe it's my chronic feelings of emptiness from the depressive and mixed episodes, and the delusional thinking that comes with BP. But i feel like i am a shell of a person, like all the time. i should tell this to my pdoc....

i seemed to have learned a lot about my "illness", but i have so much more to learn.