Well, to me that's not a whole lot who understand considering my Mom's side of the family refuses to acknowledge my existence, except for when my two baby cousins can sneak over to visit (they've been threatened with having their cars taken away if they are caught at my house). Combined, my parents have 10 siblings, not counting them. So, that is just a spit in the bucket as far as having "familial support" about my bi-polar.

And as far as my father, like I said before, I'm done trying. He can come to me, and if he doesn't, then it's his loss. I'm not going to make the same choice my younger brother did and allow him back in my life when I have a family of my own. All the man has ever done throughout our entire lives is degrade us and make us feel like lesser human beings. I don't understand my brother's thinking that his kid's need to know about their entire family. To me, that's an influence my niece and nephew don't need. I guarantee my children will not know a thing about my father until HE admits to me that he is a screw-up and that he treated us poorly. He has to prove himself to me. And for 17 years, all he's shown me is his *****.

It just makes the holiday's that much more stressful, knowing your family thinks of you as the circus freak behind your back. I've always been the type to tell someone how I feel about them to their face, not talk about them behind their back and act like I like them face-to-face. I'd rather be loved for who I am, than hated for who I'm not; that's something my new boyfriend has help me realize. Unfortunately, he has family obligations the same night of my family's gathering, so he won't be with me to "weather the storm". But, I'll be at his house afterwards, probably bawling my eyes out on Christmas Eve about how awful they all made me feel.

I'm not saying this to be a dooms-dayer...this has been the routine for about 6 years now, since my Gramma got really sick just before passing away. I guess you could say she was my protector, even before the doc's knew it was bi-polar. Now that protection is gone, and Christmas makes me feel more vulnerable than ever.

I don't know where all that came from, but it feels better just getting it off my chest. I could continue on, but I don't feel like crying tonight.

Dolfin