Saturday, January 8th, 2011
nfs1 ...
Hey there.
OK, glad that you took the time to peruse over my reply to you with regard to the issues that you are currently trying to manage on your own at the moment.
I take it that you are quite possibly a female (?) based upon the "sensitivity vibe" that I get from reading your reply. (If you're a dude, then by all means, please forgive me ... my mistake, "dude"). 
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You wrote:
01. "I have been observing my family members and i know that my mom wouldn't have OCD."
01A. OK, that is good, however, she *may* have it and just be really adept at hiding it. Y/N? Not trying to suggest that she does have OCD, but using your own experience with it, and how you try to deal with it on your own, albeit in silence, could she be doing the same thing? Once again, I am not accusing her of having it, but this course of deduction could be applied to your family or relatives.
If not, then don't focus on it as I am attempting to "grab at straws" here via not knowing anything about you or your family (other than what you've shared here on the Psych Central Forums), and within the limitations of the Internet. 
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02. "And my brothers, 10 and 15 years old show no signs of it as well, but that doesn't mean they they may not get it later on (God forbid)."
02A. OK, that is good to know. But once again, you are keen enough to understand that they may develop it as well in the future. If so, wouldn't you prefer that you took the first step in getting help for yourself, thereby *if* they were to develop it (or maybe have it already, but once again are hiding their struggles with it), they could turn to you and thereby learn from your course of action in getting help for it? Y/N?
It would almost be like a family that has a predisposition for some type of disease. If one family member were to express concern for his / her physical health with regard to the hereditary disease, and thereby seek a course of action in which to either:
A. Ascertain if they indeed have it or are currently at a hightened risk for developing it.
-Or-
B. Learn that they do not have it, or based upon their predisposition for it, can take preventative measures to limit / prevent it from impacting their physical health.
Wouldn't said family member be obligated to inform the other members of their family about the potential risk and what their results were with regard to possibly developing it? Y/N? I think they would out of the familial bond that is the root of what a family is. 
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03. "I am almost sure my dad doesn't have OCD but there are some slight eccentricities I have noticed with him. For example, when we go grocery shopping, he always refuses to buy anything w/ artificial flavors, high fructose corn syrup, preservatives, chemicals etc and he always prefers organic stuff."
03A. OK, well this doesn't really exemplify OCD per se, however it may just be that your father is a "health nut" or particularly keen on avoiding ingredients that are not beneficial to his health.
I am (and have been for 21 years) a vegetarian. Like hardcore. I always make it a point of reading the labels on foodstuffs in order to ascertain if animal byproducts or ingredients are found within said product. If I didn't, then I'd be compromising my identity and beliefs as a vegetarian.
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04. "And he once told me that perfectionism is not good and he has tendencies to make whatever he is doing perfect."
04A. Your father's statement is akin to doublespeak / hypocrisy. Not that he is intending to be that way, but oftentimes, people who are intent on trying to attain perfection (or achieving what they consider to be "perfection", be it in actuality, either real or imagined), carry this dual standard of belief. Kind of along the lines of "Do as I say ... not as I do".
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05. "I think that even if he does have OCD, he doesn't know about it (not that he would have the OC Personality Disorder)."
05A. OCD and OC Personality Disorder are two different classifications that the DSM-IV offers a diagnosis / explanation for. Portions of each overlay one another in some aspects, and in others, they are polar opposites. Only psychiatrists / psychologists who are well versed in treating mental health / personality / emotional issues, are cognitive enough in these areas to make that distinction based upon their training and past experiences in treating patients.
Your father may very well be a candidate for either OCD or OC Personality Disorder. Sounds to me like he would be the individual with whom you share some similar attributes with regard to your OCD symptoms and possibly other thought related / emotional issues. I would bank on having him be the individual in your family with whom you could open up to about your concerns since he appears to share some of your traits (and vice versa).
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06. "And I'm not sure but he might have a bit of ADD since he procrastinates and isn't that great with time management."
06A. That very well could be a symptom of ADD -or- even a bit of a Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder. Could be something indicative of a deeper issue, or it could be nothing but a personality quirk.
However, it does seem to fall within the realm of ADD and even OCD to an extent. People with OCD can become so bogged down with their obsessions or compulsions (which can be performed either internally via thought, or externally via rituals that are either noticeable by others or hidden from view), that they lose track of time or become so consumed with performing the compulsions that they wind up appearing to others like they are procrastinating / lazy / irresponsible / obstinate / etc. Everything else becomes secondary to performing said ritual or rituals.
If not, they can become quite agitated or despondent at not being able to carry them out according to their linear thought process: "I need to do 'A' before I can do 'B' which will allow me to get to 'C' and then I'll feel more at ease." Interrupt that process and it can put the individual into a bit of a tailspin. That is why CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) has been used to treat OCD with remarkable results.
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07. "I've been to the school nurse before two years ago to complain about heart burn (which still bothers me from time to time) but she told me that im too young for heart problems. But ill try asking her anyway."
07A. Well my friend, heartburn and OCD / ADD / Bipolar Disorder are (the last time I checked) different sides of the same coin. One affects the esophogeal tract and the others, well, they have nothing to do with the esophogeal tract ... one falls within the category of physical issues, and the others fall within the category of psychological issues. Heartburn symtoms as a whole have nothing to do with your heart (except in a very low percentage of cases - i.e. 0.6% or less in cases of people presenting themselves to a hospital emergency room with GERD symptoms which in fact may be due to ischemic heart disease). This according to the Wikipedia entry for "Heartburn". It is a gastric issue known as acid reflux which can be exacerbated by food intake and / or emotional factors.
I think that since you had an encounter with the nurse that wasn't really to your liking / approval ("Yes ... I do have a heart condition which is the cause of my troubles"), and the nurse didn't reinforce your preconceived ideas, that you've sort of lost confidence in her ability to assist you. Y/N? Either that, or you may not have confidence in her because she may very well be not too informed / trained in analyzing your primary concerns.
I think you should go with the school counselor option if you feel uncomfortable in dealing with the school nurse. It may just allow you to skip over one portion of the process whereby finding the proper treatment for yourself will be the most expedient and beneficial to you.
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08."The biggest thing thats holding me back from telling my parents is embarrassment. I've been trying self therapy but yesterday my problems seemed to worsen when I found out that I may possibly have bipolar disorder."
08A. Well then, you just answered it yourself. By going the self diagnosis route, you either are in the ballpark with regard to the correct diagnosis, or you very well may be off the mark.
You are leaving that answer "up in the air" either purposely (so you don't have to deal with it), or are procrastinating (kind of like you mentioned your father does) out of fear of what it may be.
Who knows? It could very well be due to the physiological changes that are occurring within your body as a 17 year old. I don't know if you are male or female, but at this stage in life, your hormones / brain and body chemistry / etc. are pretty much in the region of a can of Pepsi that has been shaken up and the carbonation levels are off the chart.  We're talking bubbling hormones. And those physiological / hormonal changes can (and do) sometimes effect one's psychological health.
But back to the self diagnosis aspect:
An example would be if you owned a vehicle that was emitting an odd sound each time you drove it. You decide that you don't want to take it to a mechanic for one reason or another (cost / embarassment at not knowing too much about automobiles / stubborness / etc.).
You drive it around and the sound hasn't abated. It is only getting worse. You check out books / read articles in car magazines / search the Internet for info on what it may be, but to no conclusive solution. You wind up tinkering with the car and do so without really knowing what you may be doing. In fact, you may only be making the source of the sound even more prevalent. Ex.: "Do I remove this fan belt and replace it, or should I disconnect this wire and attach this wire here, or should I unplug this dohicky and push this button?"
Lo and behold, you may very well be tinkinering in the wrong location with regard to the source of the issue with the car noise. You may be concentrating on the engine, when it may be originating from the rear wheel axle. Or the brakes. Or the fuel line. Catch my drift?
So with regard to your condition, you may very well be unable to diagnose and treat the causes on your own.
Many people who have mental / emotional conditions who have not sought out the proper course of treatment either suffer in silence or denial, or wind up self medicating to ameliorate their emotional pain.
Why do you think there are so many alcoholics / drug abusers / shop-aholics / etc. in this world? Most are attempting to run away from the issues that gnaw at them. Rather than seeking out the proper course of treatment, they take the "I don't need to see a shrink / counselor / religious confidant / etc." They wind up only adding further grief to themselves. And now they have MORE problems to deal with than when they began to experience their issues. Bummer.
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09. "I know that there are therapists and drugs out there but I don't want my whole life to be centered and dependent around those."
09A. Helloooooo? Knock knock knock.  Who said anything about your life having to be centered around or dependent upon therapists / medication?
Once again, this is not in the realm of being branded in the Middle Ages with a scarlet letter on the middle of your forehead. Nada. We're not back in the 1800's / earlier part of the 20th Century where people with mental health issues are thrown into asylums to drool themselves into oblivion due to the effects of powerful tranquilizers. No way.
If you only knew of the number of people in this world who are dealing with these issues (and even more acute issues at that), that are able to live functional lives, you'd be amazed. It is just that they are not walking around with a placard hung about their necks that brazenly proclaims "LOOK. LOOK AT ME! I have [insert diagnosis or condition here]! Aren't you impressed?"
They do so with quite dignity and perseverance. Sure, they may not be pooping rainbows whenever they take a dump, but hey, who does?  They are dealing with it with the innate abilities that they have in conjunction with trained individuals who are educated in these fields of health care.
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10. "I had big plans and ambitions in life (going to film school, raising a family etc) but now I'm not so sure about them anymore with these terrible issues."
10A. Um ... no. You are blowing this out of proportion. Who ever said that your ambitions have been dashed or compromised for having a mental health condition?
I think that is how you perceive it with regard to being a 17 year old who hasn't really stepped out into the world yet. Listen, once you are out of high school and on your own or pursuing your education or dreams, life takes on a new perspective that cannot compare to the microcosm of high school pressures / politics / etc. Really. So don't warp or distort those perceptions based upon having a psychological condition. Once again, this appears to me to have something in common with what you've mentioned your father as doing ... i.e. seeking perfectionism. It becomes an "all or nothing" type of quest, that realistically, wasn't obtainable from the onset.
You mentioned film school. Well, to let you in on a secret, one of the most famous directors in Hollywood, has been diagnosed as being bipolar. Ever heard of "Francis Ford Coppola"? Sure you have. He has directed some of the most iconic films in history (Apocalypse Now, The Godfather trilogy, Dracula, Rumblefish, The Outsiders, etc.).
1. Francis Ford Coppola's bio at the IMDB:
h t t p : / / w w w . i m d b . c o m / n a m e / n m 0 0 0 0 3 3 8 / b i o
2. A to Z list of celebrities with bipolar disorder:
h t t p : / / b i p o l a r . a b o u t . c o m / o d / c e l e b r i t i e s a t o z / C e l e b r i t i e s _ w i t h _ B i p o l a r _ D i s o r d e r _ A _ t o _ Z _ L i s t i n g . h t m
3. List of celebrities with mental health conditions (in .pdf format):
h t t p : / / w w w . m e n t a l h e a l t h m i n i s t r i e s . n e t / l i n k s _ r e s o u r c e s / o t h e r _ r e s o u r c e s / f a m o u s p e o p l e . p d f
(Remove the spaces in the URL links above, since this forum will not allow me to post links yet as I am a new user.)
And to reiterate once again, you mentioned "these terrible issues" ... issues which haven't even begun to have been brought to a specialist's attention. You've been doing all of the diagnosis yourself.
For that matter, just like the example of the mysterious car noise I mentioned above, you may be off the mark. That is why it is very important to seek out the proper treatment rather than trying to fix it yourself. You've reached a "critical mass" point in your own research and have stressed yourself to the limit in doing so. Time for you to swallow your pride and take that step of faith in allowing someone else to help you.
So don't cut the proverbial tree from the limb here. Or as they say, make a mountain out of a mole hill. Keep calm and know that others have gone through what you are going through and have survived and gone on to admit later along on their paths that they had overreacted to the breadth and scope of their personal mental health concerns. Remember: "One step at a time."
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11. "I get a lot of homework from school and am under constant stress from them. I have to struggle to pay attention in class with ADD and unwanted thoughts and problems in my mind. I regret signing up for 5 AP (college level) courses."
11A. Well, look at it this way (I take it that you are a senior in High School) ... it is almost mid January 2011. You graduate at the end of May or early June 2011. That is approximately 4 to 4 1/2 months away. Take out a week for Easter Break / Spring Break.  So give yourself credit for having made it through the previous 4 to 5 months of the school year with the course load that (I presume) you've been taking.
You've made it this far and are over the proverbial "hump". Past the midway point. Downhill from here.
You've shown that you can manage with everything on your plate and can (and will) be able to do so even now as things seem to feel like they are becoming worse for you.
Once again, it is imperative that you seek out someone to assist you with these issues. Someone to help lighten the burden. Don't feel that you are showing weakness in doing so. There are individuals out there who know what you are going through, or as part of their personality / personal constitution, enjoy helping others like yourself. OK?
The course load is not forever ... you are within sight of completing it. If you need to lessen it, check with your counselor or teachers. They may cut you some slack or suggest an alternative route. Once again, don't cut the tree off from the branch.
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12. "I'm also introverted (despite the rest of my family being very social and outgoing) and don't have that many truly great friends and I feel lonely."
12A. Well, being introverted is nothing to be ashamed about. I consider myself to be a bit of an introvert in the manner of being contemplative / observant of life around me. I think of myself as being a "human satellite". Sort of orbiting and observing the human condition. I would label myself to be a "loner" but in the vein of being an "intelligent" loner.
With time and experience, and if you feel comfortable enough with yourself and others, you may just be able to emerge from that introverted social shell. Once again, things change after high school. Really they do.
If college is in your future, you'll see firsthand how trivial the atmosphere of high school was in comparison to the collegiate level of study / atmosphere. You'll be able to associate with like minded individuals who don't really have time for the buffoonery that goes on in high school. But then again, college tends to have its own "buffoonery" (i.e. Fraternities, Sororities, alcohol, etc.). Again, this occurs on a different level than high school and with more dire consequences if one's behaviour gets out of hand (and you're the one paying to be there, hence it is your / your parent's money and that tends to put a quick damper on things that may get one booted off campus).
Also, don't compare yourself to that of your family's social outgoingness. You are you. Not them. You'll develop at your own pace. Right now you've got a lot on your plate and will have to take things one at a time. Give yourself some credit. OK?
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13. "Could drugs, counseling and therapy really do a lot to help me with my life?"
13A. Uhm ... you've made it this far along in my lengthy tome of a response to your posting here on this forum. Wadda you think I'd say? Hmmm. Give it a try, OK?
Do yourself and I a favour and print out a copy of your postings here on this forum (and my replies) and take them with you to your school counselor. Let them read it over in privacy and then suggest a route for you to take. It may lessen your fears of embarrassment and give the school counselor some time to track down different avenues which may assist you. OK?
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OK then, I am gonna scoot here as I think that I've put in close to 2 1/2 hours now typing up this response. Fingers and brain are s-h-o-t. But it is for a good cause, so I don't regret it in the least.
Hang in there, take one thing at a time, and take that initial step to healing yourself.
I shall check back here in a couple of days to see what your response may be.
Best wishes,
vertebrae  
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