maybe i'm just another one of those "angry psick bi polar people." or something like that.

but i know what happiness is; i know what joy feels like. i want to feel them more frequently... i want someone to share in all of this.

but i'm just so utterly sick of feeling every single emotion in the book besides happiness and joy in a lasting fashion. don't worry... i have not started to think of that again.... but i am pretty sure i am spiraling down the rabbit hole again.

yes life is unfair, but it seems to be particularly unfair to me. throwing me skeletal deformities limiting the use of my left arm. giving me tonic clonic seizures as a child. anger issues in middle school (I would just flip out, i have been told, and hit and kick and bite people. for no reason besides perceived rejection.) so i never made friends until high school, and every single one of those have thus far walked out on me, and i dont even know why or what i did wrong.

ever wonder why someone doesn't want to be your friend? is it because i was cold, or didn't have the same interests, or i was emotional, or afraid to open up for fear of rejection on my end... what was it? and why cant i make them now? why do i only seem to make connections with "couples" who are engaged and in love with one and another, and leave me to my lone-self to brood and hate this life i've been dealt because the deck was stacked against me.

this world hates me. i hate me. everyone hates me.

I'M SICK OF IT ALL!!!