Do any of you find yourself fighting getting better, despite the fact that you think you want to get better? I waver back and forth between taking my meds like I should and trying to pretend at least like i'm making progress, and days where I can;t get out of bed and think about nothing other than wanting to hang myself. It's just so hard when you go entire days without seeing or speaking to a single human being. And when you do see someone, they have absolutely no interest in being around you because while misery does love company, company does not like misery. It's impossible. Now that it seems that I'm becoming more aware of my mental ailments, it's now ALL I think about. No matter where I am or what I do I am always analyzing, obsessing, and in desperation of my seemingly terminal condition. The sad thing is, when I look to my future, I know I am stuck exactly where I am right now for at least the next 3.5 years. I don;t think I can hold on that long. I WILL kill myself if something does not change. There are only so many days one can go without reason to leave bed before psychosis sets in. I find myself wanting nothing more than to finally push myself to that brink of sanity, so that I can fall off and no longer care about anything or anyone. Ugh, I'm just tired of lingering on EVERYTHING all the time. Oh well. On another note, I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday anyways.