Okay, I've had a series of problems over the past few years, all seemingly stemming from my worries over my appearance, and my depression. In January 2004 - it's hard to believe it's almost two years ago - I was told by a doctor I had mild bulimia and depression. He made this diagnosis based on what I told him, and came to the conclusion re: the bulimia because I once used laxatives. I don't think I have bulimia now, because I don't purge, but I do know I still have a problem with my eating, even if it's not a clinical disorder.

Anyway, the problems have been going on since just before I turned ten. I'm seventeen now, eighteen in a few months, and for a long, long time, my problems have been increasing, not disappearing like I hoped they would.

I do have moments when it feels like "okay, I've sort of beaten it", but for a long time I've been living a sort of 'fantasy life', and recently I've noticed that it's wrong, that I shouldn't be doing it. I'm telling myself that it's not 'normal', and while I'm glad I know that, that I'm not as out of control as I could be, I can't stop it. I continue to believe these fantasies, that I'm a character in this show or that film, that I can do this or that. Sometimes, it's even a case of something bad happens to someone that I love; I don't want it to happen in real life, but it's just imagining what it would be like. And I feel sick for thinking it.

It's driving me crazy. It's as if there's two extremes - one, you're so far gone in your problems that you don't notice that what you're doing isn't 'normal', and two, you're normal. You don't dream up fantasies. You don't feel like you're going mad. And it seems like I'm in the middle, like I have a grip on the reality but at the same time, I don't.

The fantasies are like an addiction.

I've put this here because I haven't been to the doctors about any of this since January 2004, and because I don't quite know what it all means. Whether it's just something people do or if it's an actual disorder. I'm just tired of it all. The city where I live is driving me crazy, and it feels like I have to get out of here because otherwise, it's going to be the death of me. And while the only way out is education - I want to go to university - I don't seem to be motivated enough for it because of the depression, the fantasies, anxiety, etc. I'm scared of having to spend more time in this city than I have to, so I'm desperate to get on with my education and leave instead of repeating a year because of my stupid problems, but it's just a matter of getting RID of those problems.

And I don't know how to. I don't know where to start. I don't even know what it is; whether it has a clinical term or is just something I can deal with myself...I don't know.

I'm sorry about the length of the post by the way! I just get started and can't seem to stop . By the way, is it okay if I use a pseudonym? Some of this stuff my parents don't even know about, and I hope they never do for the time being, until I can be sure that I can tell them personally.

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