you man is not being very christian towards you is he??? the bible says help others, you are a part of others so deserve his help too! and until it is forthcomming i would begin by removing your caring services towards him eg. do not do his washing, cooking etc. let him sort out his own things and close your eyes to the washing up or mess around the home especially as words do not seem to be working, maybe actions will have a better effectI am appauled that he allowed a nanny to be called the kids new mummy... as a nanny she should know better than allow it herself, i was a nanny for one girl for 15years yes 15 years and still i was not her mummy, i was like a big sister at one point then like a best friend as she grew too old for a nanny but never in my wildest dreams would i have took the lable of mummy and she herself even when very young used to correct anyone who called me her mummy! I would talk to your children and explain that you are their mummy and no one will ever be able to take that role from you as you are the one who gave birth to them. explain that other people can be their carers but not their mum. as for not letting children stay with friends you husband is denying them a valuble life lesson, they learn a great deal from staying with friends, everything from how to accept other familys rules, to how to cope with seperation so when they grow up they are confident to fly the nest and live independant lives, and that is in the end what the job of a parent is, to produce an independant, self sufficient adult.
just a thought ... is there no way of you talking to his higher, explain your problems, i am pretty sure there are things in place across the church to deal with marital problems as it is a pretty demanding job, maybe a quiet word from his higher would make him think about how much pressure is being placed on you. I know this is a bit unorthadox but is definitely worth a shot, maybe there are funds there for therapy or councelling????
But the main message i would like to give you is that you are certainly not a failure, for something to succeed everything has to work to a certain standard. in the case of your family, you are having to work harder because the others are not doing their share, like a machine if one part has to work harder to compensate other bits it will burn out, that does not make it a failure, it will keep burning out unless the bits that are failing to do their parts are fixed! once they are the bit that keeps burning out will no longer burn out. it is all too easy to blame the burnt out bit for causing the machine to fail as it takes patience to find the compensated bits as they fool you into thinking they are functioning correctly.
please try going for a walk in a park insted of washing the supper pots, take a long hot soak insted of washing and ironing the husbands clothes, try not washing any childrens clothes which are not in the laundry basket, if they have a dirty gym kit one week.. so what they need to learn to take responsibility for their own belongings. ok so you have a standard to live up to as a pastors wife, but who says you do? you are not god, you are a human being and a hard working mum, you only have to live to your standards, not those expected from others. it is time to put yourself first, ok you say you are dispendible, but you will find that things did not go as well when you were away as you have been led to think, your children will have missd you, that could be why the 'nanny' tried the tactic of saying she was their new mummy, as wrong as it is maybe it was to make them feel better and not missing the mummy figure as much? who knows!
take care of yourself (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((bighugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) you are worth every one of them