Hi everybody. I'm sorry i haven't been around much lately. I do think about all of you at PC even when i don't post. I've been reading your threads.

(WARNING: LONG POST. APOLOGIES, AND DON'T FEEL OBLIGATED TO READ!)

I'm just feeling very depressed and alone right now. I had my t session last week, and it felt like my t was very "point blank" and rather hard on me. I know she has my best interests at heart, and I'm not upset with her. But since then, I've felt really down.

In my sessions, we've spent alot of time talking about my relationship with my parents and how their actions (and mostly, inactions) have always made me feel like they don't really value or care about me. I've always had split feelings about it, not being sure if the problems were because of them not caring enough, or me being bad or wrong in some way. I've also had a part of me that has denied how I've been treated, not wanting to see the many instances where my folks have failed to help or protect me as a child, or to respect or value me as an adult. I've always wanted to say that all those instances were no big deal -- and taken as one or two instances, they do seem minor. But i've had a lifetime of minor things that have led to me feeling unloved by my parents and bad and unlovable as a person.

Therapy has helped me look inside more, and I understand now that many of my problems stem back to the way i was raised. And even though i'm an adult now and shouldn't need their approval, my parents' seeming lack of interest (or consideration) for me keep me feeling like I'm not worth anything. What's worse is that I've somehow "become" invisible and worthless in other areas of my life too, including socially and at work. In general, I am treated in my daily life as invisible.

My t has said that my parents way of raising me has led to my bad feelings of being worthless. But if that's true, then why do others also treat me as though i am not even there? They just don't notice me, or if they do, there must be nothing about me that makes them want to get to know me more or want to be my friend. This makes me think that i truly am not worth anything, or people would not act that way. My h says i have to learn to "sell myself," but that goes against my grain so much. I've always beleived that if I'm a good, kind, interesting person, then people would notice and want to befriend me. If i have to "toot my own horn" to get attention, then there must be something wrong.

Well last week, my t told me that i need to give up the idea that my parents are going to change and be the loving way i want them to be. She says that they are not going to change, and that by holding out my hopes that they will, i get disappointed over and over again. Each time that they visit and fail to show interest or affection for me, i feel crushed. But to give up my hope that things could change and be different also crushes me.

I've had a couple of older, mother-type friends in the past that i felt very close to, and for quite awhile, it seemed to fill in the emptiness from not having parents who deeply cared. But eventually, i had a serious falling out with them, and they hurt me very badly. A few years have passed, and they both now act like they want to befriend me again. I still love them and miss having friends who seemed to really love me. But my t says they were harmful relationships that damaged me, and i should not go back to them.

It seems like, between losing my hopes for having a close relationship with my parents, and letting go of other people i once felt close to, that there is a huge empty hole inside me. My t has been very caring and kind, and that has helped to fill in the gap somewhat. But i know it's only a matter of time before i have to give her up too.

Last week, my t had me switch chairs, and pretend to be both the hurt child part of me that feels so alone -- and the adult caring me who can give that child the love she needs. It was hard, and i didn't like it. I've come, over time, to have some empathy for the part of me that has been rejected and hurt in life, but I don't "feel" like a loving parent who can give myself what i needed back then as a child. It doesn't feel the same. How do i give myself something i never really had? It doesn't seem fair that i didn't get what i needed then, and i can't get what i need now either. As a child, i had to be a kid who got herself through her own scary and bad situations without any help from mom or dad. And from what i see now, that's the place i'm headed back to when therapy ends. Back to that place of having to face things all alone again. I guess it's not completely true, as i do have a husband who cares about me. But other than him, i don't have any friends in 3D, nobody who is interested in being my friend, much less be willing to stand beside me if i have a problem.

I just feel so alone.

It's true that the people in my life that i've been most attached to (other than my husband) have been the ones who have hurt me most. Maybe my t is right in calling them "damaging relationships." But they were the only close relationships i had, and the only people i felt truly loved me. In therapy, i see how i'm having to face the truth about how these relationships have hurt me and let go of my belief that they deeply loved me the way i thought they did. And let go of my false hopes about them. But what about the huge empty hole? My t says we are making room for more healthy relationships to come in, people who really support who i am as a person. But i just don't see that happening for me down the road. There's nobody beating down the doors to be my friend. And honestly, the way i've been hurt by my best friends, i don't have much motivation to try making any friends in 3D. My belief in humanity's basic goodness and my trust in others has been damaged by all my bad experiences with relationships.

I just feel so alone.