I found it hard to pass the day today. I did some work (quite a lot) on the school website. I called the trainer I work with at the gym - she ahs been very supportive - and explained that I was planning to come but was not in a good place. She suggested I went in early as I had a gap so I did. We did some yoga and I coped OK.

I had to go to work to collect my daughters and I went to see the head. He had seemed very supportive yesterday. I filled him in on what the dr said last night and he said he had called Occupational Health. I found some of what he said hard. For example, he talked about how I had been fine when I first started at the school but have had increasing problems with my depression over the last two years and that I was now having problems again. I reminded him that this current episode started before the summer (actually as a direct result of school actions). He doesn't seem able to see the impact of the increased pressure on me and other staff, for example "preparing" us for the past year for an OFSTED inspection for which we still have no date. Thinking about it since, he also is making quite a big thing of it as I think in the last two years I may have missed a total of 2 months of school in total, but certainly no more. I also filled him in on some other pressures (such as the fact that my husband's job has been under threat for the last two years). Anyway, he has spoken to Occupational Health and they are going to see what they can come up with. I'm not holding my breath.

I spoke to my GP again; when I collected my prescription for my new antdepressant the pharmacist indicated that I should not be taking the sleeping tablets with it. I didn't last night and had a very very bad night. My GP told me I should be taking the sleeping tablets; the ones I am on are short acting and he said it is more important that I get some sleep. I actually just want to take more tablets every time I wake and sleep through this, if I have to be here at all.

I also spoke to my counsellor. It didn't help. I see her on Tuesday. I don't know what to do. Part of me is blaming her for a lot of this as she initiated the referral to the hospital. I need to deal with it but I don't know how to. I don't know whether to persevere with how ever many sessions I can get with her or to go for another source of counselling (witha counsellor ruth feels has more experience with and knowledge of DD) which is run byt a local church, on a free basis. I just don't know what to do and I don't want to make any decisions right now.

H wants me to drive him into town tonight. I really don't want to. I got in from picking the girls up and asked him about his day. He didn't ask anything about mine or how I am feeling (he has been out all day) so I guess that's a sign I need to return to not talking about it.

I feel so without hope. I can't see an end to this depression. I know my GP has put me on the different med and he believes it will help (though he told me today I am in for a tough few days). I was pinning my hopes of sorting out my depression longterm on psychotherapy, and I don't believe i am going to get it. I don't believe I can keep fighting for it either. Just getting through the time is so so hard.

Ruth tried to remind me that I have to keep going for my daughters. And I know that is true. But I don't want to know that is true. I know that makes me a terrible mother, a terrible person. But that is where I am and how I feel right now.