both..i dont like them because of the loss of control, the changes in my appetite (but then my appetite changes with my mood and i have trouble managing my eating behaviour all the time anyway- so this is probably an excuse too), and the fact that they dont address the emptiness, they're just a superficial solution- but one that satisfies your doctors and so should satisfy you too- but something still doesnt feel okay deep down inside even if ur behaving more stable/less hostile/less paranoid on the outside- but just becoz ur hostility/instability has gone down nobody addresses the emptiness coz theres no real way to put into words what it feels like or what causes it

and i feel like i dont deserve to take them coz i feel guilty for getting extra 'help' ..most of the time im convinced i dont have a biological mental disorder.and so taking pills for it is like not taking responsibility for being such a ***** to everyone, its equivalent to blaming biology for being such a horrible person, when its not really biology that's to blame. its me. and so taking pills to make it easier is like cheating. its wrong and bad.

but when i feel horribly low im willing to overlook all of the above and take anything that will make it go away even a little

..also all of what i've written, the way i feel about all this stuff- keeps changing -sometimes every hour.

or maybe all of these are just excuses so that i stay stuck where i am. there are so many traps at every step i dont know whats true and whats a lie
:s