((((((((((peaches)))))))))))))

i'm sorry things are so hard and you feel so alone and depressed right now. i do think what your T is saying is totally spot on though. i'm short on time so please excuse my directness in my responses here.

i do tend to agree that your parents are not likely to change. it sounds like you are trying to get water from a dry well with them. i'm sure you know the old saying "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result". there are other wells out there though and you can find them. most things of value do take some effort in life and don't spontaneously appear so there is nothing wrong with trying to cultivate friendships.

i think the reason you feel invisible is because you have internalized the messages you received, or perceived, that you are invisible. it seems a lot of who we are and how we act is in how we see ourselves. if you feel invisible then you will naturally act like someone who is invisible and then you end up being treated as someone who is invisible. that sucks, i know. but, as you begin to change your self-perceptions then others will see you differently and treat you differently. of course, you may meet people who can see the wonderful qualities in you now, like we on PC do, but i think you do have to put yourself in the way of making friends.

i also wonder if it would be better for you to find friends your own age rather than older women like you have in the past. the love from friendships isn't something that can be controlled so trying to actively find people to fill the void of your mom may not be a good idea at all. i don't know if you've consciously done that but it would probably be wise to see what types of people you are gravitating toward. if it naturally happens and it's healthy then great, but to actively seek out something that specific might be asking for trouble with your history.

as for comforting your wounded child i know you have the skills to do it because you do it on PC all the time when you respond to others with your tremendous compassion. it probably just feels foreign and weird to do it for yourself. i think if you give it some time and practice and you might end up really seeing the benefits. everything new, like trying to make friends or comfort our inner child, feels awkward and difficult at first. that is just the nature of learning new things. as you continue to do it more and more it becomes easier and easier and then you won't even have to think about it and you'll do it naturally. there is hope for you peaches. you are a very smart and compassionate woman.