hey my name is
Matthew.I have sruggled with depression and anxiety since 19 after a bad dream from and acid trip where a voice said "you're mine now matthew"after that i was to scared to sleep and had a nervous breakdown and i've never been the same .it was like the devil and people were screaming.I've had many psychotis episodes ,anxiety and depression. I am now 36 and people treat u different when youre eyes look crazy or you're always sad or nervous.because of this i'm scared to interact with people because i don't want them to know i'm mentally disturbed and make them nervous.i also use painkillers to try to kill the pain but it just makes things worse.i have only one friend and she uses drugs.i want to quit drugs but the social anxiety and depression still remaains.I;m so lonely.I want a girlfriend so bad but i'm to nervous to even go out to a bar or be able to meet someone.I'm so tired of living in this pain year after year.I want to kill myself but i'm afraid i could go to hell become a ghost or be stuck somewhere bad .i believe in god but don't feel his presense .ifeel that after my parents are dead i want be able to take care of myself.my depression is so bad i think of blowing my brains out in my car somewhere where as cops would find me and my parents wouldn't have to see me.my life is so painful.most people don't like me because of my attitude.i'm bitter that my life has been destroyed by depression.i feel like i'm a slave to drugs ,loneliness and depression.my friens dump me because they say i'm negative and want even return my calls.sometimes i wish i'd never been born at all.i want to die to end the pain but all nde's say it could be worse in the afterlife if u commit suicide.why would god make me and let me suffer so bad and then trow me in hell or not let me in heaven.i forsee nothing but pain in my life and i want it to end.