My heart goes out to you, all the things you feel, that you're pissed, the tears, the feeling like you're a piece of crap they're all very real. To feel like you need to know in advance to fly there in time must hurt, it just doesn't make sense. No, you are nota piece of crap, I can tell by how much you loved your Dad. You say you have few friends, what about going to depression bipolar support group dbsalliance.org click to find local meeting. Or why not start attending a church? Reach out to people around you, join something. You express yourself well, why not keep a journal? Write and let us know how you are doing, we care about you.