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lynn09 · Jan 11, 2011, 10:14 AM

Hi, fallenrose. Sorry that you've been having such a tough go of it for a prolonged period of time without the support and guidance that you need. Such prolonged periods of extreme stress make it even more difficult for you to get a clear picture of your situation in order to make good progress in getting a grasp on your depression, eating disorder, etc., and other aspects of your life because the stress is not only preventing your body from producing the hormones and neurotransmitters your brain needs to function the way you need it to right now, but is also causing your brain and body to produce stress hormones that actually interfere with cognitive function and keep you in that "fight or flight" mode physically and psychologically.

You use words like "hopeless" and "trapped" to describe your situation and your feelings regarding your situation, and you have consulted with counselors, health care professionals, family, and friends. Pay attention to the words you use to describe how you feel regarding your situation - feeling hopeless and trapped means that you do not feel that YOU are in control of your life, and you have been looking to others outside of yourself for help in getting that control. You are stuck in a reactionary mode just trying to defend yourself against whatever is coming at you, rather than being proactive and taking charge. This is because you have not developed selfl-confidence, self-esteem, and self-respect, and your self-doubts cause you to question everything you think and do - cause you to look outside of yourself to others for validation and justification of your decisions and choices.

You say that you feel hopeless with your boyfriend and hopeless without him. Why? Is it because you don't want to be alone? Do you feel that your self-worth is validated to others and yourself by the fact that someone wants to be with you? Are you afraid that being alone diminishes your value and worth in the eyes of others? This is what the lack or under-development of self-confidence, self-respect, and self-esteem does - it makes you dependent upon how others perceive and assign value to you because you are unable to assign value to yourself - and it feeds your ED, too - causes you to be overly concerned with your "packaging" (body image) in the hope that others will assign value to you because of the way you look. Your self-doubts prevent you from assigning value to yourself - prevent you from validating your self-worth - prevent you from justifying your right and worthiness to exist - and force you to look to others for validation - force you to give others power, authority, and control over you that they have no right to possess - force you to constantly submit yourself to the judgment of others, rather than choosing for yourself what you do and do not want in your life.

Most likely you feel hopeless with your boyfriend because he is not the right person - is not qualified to fill the position - is not able to contribute what is necessary to make the relationship viable in order for you to derive from it what you need. Don't worry - we all do this at some point in our lives for any number of reasons. We want/need a particular type of relationship and try to convince ourselves that a particular person is able/willing to be who we want/need them to be in that relationship. Perhaps we focus in on that particular person because of a strong physical attraction, or because they are convenient, available, or willing although not necessarily invested. In other words, we are perceiving them as who we want/need them to be, rather than who they really are.

There isn't a simple or easy fix to any of this, fallenrose - it takes time and practice to alter your perspective. But, give yourself a break - you are young and what I've shared with you here takes many years for most of us to realize, assimilate, and develop healthier and more realistic attitudes towards ourselves and others; but, if you start now, you'll get much further ahead much more quickly and avoid incurring unnecessary damage. YOU are in charge of YOUR life - YOU are the boss, the chairman of the board, the CEO of "fallenrose, Inc." YOU alone define your identity and determine your destiny regardless of what others may try to tell you. YOU alone choose what and who does and does not fit into the life you want for yourself. YOU alone have the power and authority to hire and fire - to determine what and who possess the qualities and qualifications to help YOU achieve YOUR life goals. It is not only your right, but your responsibility, as well, to take charge of your life in this way in order to be a benefit to others and yourself!

In order to embrace these truths you must take command and tell your self-doubts to shut up - don't debate with them - they are nothing more than smoke, vapor - they are falsehoods that you have learned to accept as truths about yourself - about your true identity (especially if you have a history of being abused). Our identities are defined and refined moment by moment throughout our lives by the choices we make - how we choose to perceive ourselves, others, and reality in general. No one other than you possesses the power and authority to define your identity - to define who you are and determine who you want to become in order to create the fulfilling and worthwhile life that you desire. Anytime you feel "hopeless" and "trapped," this is your mind warning you that you are not in control of your life - that you are allowing yourself to be victimized and defined by your circumstances and those around you rather than defining yourself despite your circumstances - and how you choose to define and value yourself will determine how you perceive and deal with your circumstances.

I hope you find something in my words that will help you develop the tools you need to take charge of your life and make it into what you want it to be. Please let me know if I need to clarify anything for you. I hope that you will soon be able to develop the ability to impose your will on your circumstances and the strength to advocate for yourself. lynn09