I've been crazy, i've been completely up the walls and back again tonight, i zoned out, sat on the floor rocking backwards and forwards, crying, talking to myself, words that i didnt even know were there. Now i'm fine, a little anxiety about sleep but fine other than that.

They come up with every term... bipolar, depression, depression, anxiety, borderline, narcissist, low self esteem, not all diagnoses, maybe just fleeting thoughts, possibilities.
But for me its none of that.
Mania - doing everything in the world to prevent myself from ever being alone.
Depression - the consequence of being alone.
Anxiety - The FEAR, the TERROR, the COMPLETE AND UTTER MORTIFICATION at the thought of being alone.
Borderline - a fancy way of saying needy... but at the end of the day, is there anyone out that that DOESNT WANT to be loved, by ANYONE AT ALL. no there isnt.

FOR ME.

its not about BEING bipolar, all the medication and therapy in the world cant help cause in the end, all i am is a 20 year old girl, who is second, third or fourth best, to, quite a FEW people, but the No1 to no one... All i want is for someone to LOVE me, not a partner as such, not ANYONE WHO WILL, just for one of the people i love to love me more than they love anyone else.

The second i am on my own i'm seven years old wanting my mum to come home and give me some attention and wishing my dad was alive..

I cant make myself the most important person to any of the most important people to me, and thats a fact, and i have to deal with that.. But i CAN NOT help that that is all i want.
For the first time in my life i am alone, i've been avoiding the inevitable for so long and forcing it away, but i've made it worse for myself in the end, its like taking a plaster off, you have to do it quickly, but my plaster is numbing my pain and i dont know if i am ready to take it off yet.

I know i'm depressed when i start talking in metaphors, i hate myself, i cant stand myself, i tell myself i hate myself every single day and somehow that helps me, but i forgot to analyse that while i was ripping myself up trying to work everything out... and i cant be bothered to go back now.

Anyway, please dont say that i wont be alone forever, because i know i will, and i think i'll come to terms with that or kill myself... I'm not sure which yet.. i know that there is no way i can be in a relationship, and thats not what i want anyway.
Imagine i could talk to myself the day i die and that me tells me that "no, you never had a boyfriend or girlfriend." THATS how certain it is that i know...

needed to get all this written down, else it will all go out of my head, and i wouldnt have got any closer to understanding it.