I can relate to some of this stuff too - definitely the sleeping! That is just about all I do when I am experiencing a depressive episode! That's usually my first clue something is wrong - not that I don't normally sleep alot - I do, but when it becomes really excessive like 13 hours a night. I look forward to my bed - it's the only time I can make the world go away and the pain stop.

I really would encourage you to get some help, Lost as always. I also thought it would make me a weaker or lesser person to be on medication. I thought, no, I am strong and independent and can handle anything and survive. But let me tell you, when the medicine kicks in for the first time, that is the best feeling in the entire world. You finally feel "normal" again. It's like the sun coming out on a rainy, dreary day - you can finally see clearly again. You feel as if you're finally out of the hole and that dark, heaviness is not sucking you down anymore. Wouldn't you sacrifice a little pride to relieve yourself of such pain?? Once you are feeling better, I think you will realize it is part of the distorted thinking that accompanies depression to think it is embarassing to ask for help. Once you feel better, you realize you would do it again in a second if it kept you from such pain. I really, truly, understand and this is what I had to deal with recently. I tried so hard to fight it on my own, knowing it was coming back. But, to no avail. I finally had to admit it is a chemical imbalance and I need help - I can't do this on my own.

I'm so sorry you are living in such pain. It can and will get better once you get help, I promise.