I have not posted on here for a while but i would like to give you a mans perspective on things, i originally came on here some months ago after i had a similar fumble while out of it on Drink and drugs on a friends stag party, i have been with my now wife for over 13yrs, i love her more than life itself and always will, my story begins 16 mnths ago when my mistake happened while in another country i stupidly had a fumble in my hotel room with a complete stranger, i can barely remember what happened and this was scary enough but that was only the start, i put myself through hell in the months that followed, the guilt was unreal, i was on here posting at the time, looking for help, searching for answers, i got some great help and advise from some wonderful people on here but that stupid act was taking over my life, i also got some counselling. i thought about it every second of every day, at the time myself and my partner were planning our wedding and i simply couldnt go through with entering into marriage without her knowing the complete and utter truth about what i had done.

So there we are 12 weeks before the biggest day in both our lives and i tell her everything (without a doubt the single hardest thing i have ever done) although the guilt was horrific this was not the main driving force for telling her, yes i could have handled it in time, i would have been miserable but i would be far more miserable without her, i knew in my heart that i couldnt stand there and make my vows knowing what i had done (there was absolutely no way 100% she would have found out about what i had done), everyone i had mentioned it too had advised me not to tell her anything but i knew deep down that my marriage would be flawed from the start if i hadnt told her everything. I was completely open with her, was always there to answer questions, slept in the spare room, stayed away when she wanted me away, i let her read every conversation i had had, all my counselling notes (almost to show her i had suffered and how remorseful i am) etc etc, i did feel a little better for a while but the guilt was and still is there, i felt guilty for hurting her, my soulmate, my life, for damaging what was on the surface a perfect relationship, childhood sweethearts about to have a fairytell wedding.

In my head the wedding was already cancelled so i was amazed when 4 weeks later after another lengthy discussion my then fiancee decided that she did love me enough to forgive and would be able in time to trust me again and wanted to go ahead with the wedding, i felt like the luckiest man alive, i loved her more in those times than i ever had, (my now wife is no lapdog, she is very independent, is the chief earner and is highly intelligent.) so we went ahead had a great few months finalising our plans and had the wedding we had both dreamed of,

So we are now 4 happy months on from the wedding and everything seems fine but i dont, i still feel terrible for what i did, am having problems looking forward, feel guilt alot and almost feel i dont deserve the happiness anymore, we have not spoken much recently about what happened and my wife seems alot better with the situation than i do, i know she hurts sometimes but i believe that after what i put myself through and my confession etc our relationship can survive this, she must know i would never do anything like this again, i have made big strides in my lifestyle to change too and she continues to give me freedom. I however still fell like a piece of **** and cant stop thinking about how much i have let her down and does our relationship really have a future (there is nothing except what goes on in my head to suggest i doesn't), sometimes i think it would be easier if i just dissapeared and let her meet someone who truly deserves her.

I am sorry if i have waffled a bit just wanted to give you some insight into my situation, 'will a relationship ever be the same after infidelity' who knows, all i know is i have done everything in my power to try, i am hopeful my marriage will be stronger for my confession but you never know, your relationship will change as you and your partner change, so it is never really the same at any time, i do know we are both still very much in love and this is the reason we are moving on, if your feelings for your husband are strong and you believe him (i think this is crucial as you will continue to have doubts) of course your marriage can survive, ask for openess (he owes you that much) and dont believe all this once a cheater always a cheater nonsense, we as men are very flawed creatures, we make mistakes yes, some worse than others but thats all it is a mistake, forgiveness is a massive part of life, ask him questions and gain an understanding, look into his eyes and you will know the answer.

You need to make a choice, yes a massive choice, you already (as i did) in your heart know where this is going, be honest to your feelings and move forward in whatever way your heart tells you (easy for me to say as this is where i am struggling), the fact you are still together suggests to me that you do believe him and that your love is strong enough to survive this, it wont be easy but i hope it will be worth it.................