I wish I could try and post something positive , or better yet, creative, when it comes to describing my problems. However, it is so bland and destructive, I don't know how to do it, so I will go ahead and blurt it out. Be warned, it is a long story though, so I apologize in advance, if I'm boring anyone

My life has always been a struggle where nothing has been handed out on a platter. Since childhood, the struggle began in terms of finances. My family used to have two cars and I remember being one of the richest kids in the school. Dad's business collapsed and his partners cheated him, putting him to ruins. He was literally jobless for seven years and we went through some of the hardest times ever. I remember one incident in particular where my family spent a week without power since we could not afford to pay the electricity bills at that time.

However, surprising as it may sound, those were the better times. I had friends and was one of the most popular guys in the class. That is till class 10. I moved to class 11 and 12 and had to change schools. It was then that the misery began. I was the new kid who tried to adjust but was mocked by everyone. The girl i loved heard a false rumor about what I said and did not speak to me for the entire two years.

I focused on my studies and managed to get around 86 percent in my boards. It was less than my previous class 10 results of 90 percent but still ok-ish considering all the problems I had. My brilliant cousin scored 92 percent and I had to endure taunts and scoldings from all my relatives, including my entire family. I literally cried all the time without showing anyone.

I appeared for competitive exams and didn't do that well the first time so both me and my cousin dropped a year. Second year , I ranked in the top 6000 (around 2+ lakh people gave the exam) but my cousin ranked in the top 500 and got the best engineering institute. Once again, taunts and comparisons from everyone, scarring me from inside.

I had a very good friend who I had met online but had become quite close. I helped her through all her problems and even prevented her from committing suicide. However, she chose to believe some lies about me and stopped talking to me, showering me with abuses.

I got into an engineering college, one of the top rated ones. In my first year, I helped a girl get through a breakup. She proposed to me and I accepted. Two months later, I found out that she was cheating on me and we parted. I also had a nice group of friends who slowly started to fade. I soon became friends with the girl voted the prettiest fresher in college by the most unusual means (Harry Potter discussions!). She had an abusive boyfriend who made her cry every day. I devoted six months of my life to pulling her out and making her smile again. We were the closest of friends and she knew I loved her. That is where the trouble began.

I introduced her to a friend in her section (she was in computer science, I was in information technology). I felt I could trust the guy because he had feelings for a girl in our section. He used me as a springboard, spread lies about me when I was not there and then destroyed our friendship. Soon he proposed to her and she accepted. He turned out to be equally abusive( he even hit her a couple of times!!!) and she moved on. Now she is well and happy with a decent guy and I'm just a part of the darkness.

For two years I battled depression, enclosing myself in the world of dark movies and poems, blogs and self written short stories. I literally had no friends left when I was introduced online to a girl with whom I had a common friend. She seemed perfect and I finally had a reason to smile. I helped her get through her problems and proposed to her. She said YES!

For six months, my life was on clouds. I had the most beautiful and amazing girl by my side. However, I made some minor mistakes and she broke up. After a month of tears and pleading, she gave me a second chance. This time I tried harder and harder, but she seemed disinterested. I did make one personal mistake (sorry I cannot disclose it here) but I changed all my traits to suit her. Finally, on September last year, I gave her a call and said "Let's discuss our problems and sort things out because I cannot live without you". She listened to it and said "If you ask me we should move on but you can take any decision and I would stick to it."

I was shattered but said "Let's hold on because I know we can make things work." She said "Fine, give me the night to sleep on it, I will be all right in the morning" Next morning, she broke up with me.

It's been like that since then. I do not blame her because I made mistakes but even she knows no one can love her like I do. I wrote a book of 100 poems, printed it, made a collage of our pictures on the front page, got it bound and gifted it to her. She read a few, then gave it to her cousin's bf to keep because she said it was too "painful" to read.

I do not know what to do anymore. I have been crying in secret almost everyday without showing anyone. On the last day of 2010, I got the result of my job interview and found out I have been placed in Tata Consultancy Services(TCS), the biggest IT company in Asia. My cousin bagged an international company in his institutions so again comparisons. Everyone celebrated that night when they got their jobs, I cried because a few months before I had spoken to my best friend about getting a good job so that I can ask for her hand in marriage from her mom.

Everything seems shattered. I am back to darkness, watching dark movies and writing poems for her on the blog. I feel hopeless and without any energy. All I wanted to do was help people and I kept getting hurt in my life.

Sometimes, I feel like ending things once and for all but I have responsibilities and obligations that I have to fulfill. Right now, I struggle to survive each day and see nothing but darkness in my future.

Sorry that this turned out to be so huge, but I had to get a lot off my chest! I just feel so alone, hurt and depressed all the time.