blueoctober and venus are right - and part of the healing comes from understanding the disease and taking charge of those things you have control over. It also means learning to let go of what you don't have control over.
Trying to figure out how long she's been this way really doesn't help. There is no predictable progression of the disease, so understanding the past isn't going to help you help her.
I was diagnosed at 52, one of my sisters was diagnosed in her 20's. She's in much worse shape than I am. In order to know how to cope, you have to educate yourself. Here is a link to a website of a psychiatrist who has spent years researching BP: www.psycheducation.org There are lots of other resources, too.

Forgive me if this sounds harsh, but people here have been trying to tell you things you can do. It seems like maybe you're waiting for someone to give you answers that you like. You can send her a link to this forum, but from the way it sounds, that would be putting a bandaid on a broken leg.
Here's where I would suggest that your thinking is emotional rather than logical. Being responsible for consequences doesn't mean that she is a responsible person, but it can mean that you try to protect her from consequences because it's not her fault and you don't want to see her hurt more. Consequences can, and often are, catalysts for seeking help. You love her, so you want to help her. But sometimes the best way to help someone is to let them face the consequences of their actions. Because it's a byproduct of her disease doesn't take away accountability.
Consider our legal system; a mentally ill person might commit a crime and be found not-guilty by reason of insanity, but that doesn't mean they just walk free. If I have a panic attack in a store and break things in my urgent need to get out, I still have the responsibility to pay for what I broke, even tho it was my disease that caused it.

I believe you when you say you're not a quitter. I hope that you can learn ways to approach this that are beneficial for both of you. Changing your approach isn't quitting; giving yourself distance, if that's what will help, isn't quitting. Doing things the same way and expecting different results is, in the words of Benjamin Franklin, the definition of insanity.

Oh yeah, I apologize if it seems like I talk way too much, I'm riding the line between normal and hypomanic.

I wish the best for you and your wife. As you probably noticed, a whole lot of people here understand your pain and really care. Sending you peaceful, soothing vibes and a few hugs, too..