Hello. I'd state my real name but it is a name that is very one-of-a-kind and would probably make finding me on Google even easier. But anyway, I feel like total ****, and I've felt this way for many years now. I am only fourteen years old.

I think the problems actually began in fifth grade. I was probably considered a freak back then, considering the fact that I don't really remember having and friends back then and pictures of me back then. I had a chili bowl haircut, so that basically made me look like a complete dumptruck in heat. I recall the problems starting when I became attracted to a certain girl, a girl who apparently had an attraction for some other dude and basically screwed with my head that whole year. Which that is kind of pathetic now that I read that, especially since I was only in fifth grade. I eventually, thankfully, lost the chili bowl half way through my fifth grade.

The problems seemed to continue through to the sixth and seventh grade. During this year it was the year that I had developed a sense of humor and acquired multiple (white) friends. I became very, very close friends with a particular girl and eventually became attracted to her. But, she wanted only to be friends, and that saddened me beyond belief. I couldn't seem to get over that fact and simply treat her as we were before I had confessed that I had felt that way for her. But I still had quite a few friends, who could at least keep me somewhat happy.

By the eighth grade, I had finally acquired clothing that wasn't purchased from Wal-Mart. This seemed to be a major step forward in life. Eventually, I began "dating" a girl whom I had met at a few football games, but it didn't last long and we didn't do much. During this time, I had met another girl who would later become probably my closest friend. I didn't feel like *** too much at the beginning of this year, but after breaking up with that girl I recall feeling very bad.

I am now a freshman in highschool and I am losing my mind. But not over the things most adults complain about experiencing in high school. It is during this year that I began screwing around with pills and nearly lost my closest girl friends. The thought of losing my friends made me feel truly awful, and I continued to use the oxycontin in order to no longer worry about that. I nearly did lose them, but eventually they came back to me and things started to return to normal.

I can't say I know what is wrong now, but thinking that women have caused most of my problems sounds really horrible, but almost true in this case. I don't think I knew exactly what I was doing when I wrote this, but I feel somewhat better just by typing this. I probably left out some of the details, and most of the older details probably don't really matter anyway. I think it is mainly this year that has given me problems, but I don't know why that is.

Throughout the years I have thought about suicide many times. I want to die. Even now that I feel mildly better, I still want to die. But usually when I think of death I want to know people's reactions, but I realize that this will not be possible once I am dead and gone. Maybe that makes me an attention *****, or that may make me completely insane.

Some "Notes":

My father is an alcoholic.

I suck at any sort of physical activity, including dancing. But I am rather good at making people laugh.

I tend to fear what my future has in store for me. Also, I tend to **** around in school and screw things up but still manage to get decent grades.

I have no plans to go to college or ever get a job, the idea of such a thing has never truly interested me.

During the beginning of my freshman year, some friends reported me to the school counselor and I was required to go to meetings with her daily in order for her to supposedly help me. This didn't ever work and every day, upon leaving her office, I was required to say, "I promise I will not kill myself." It made me feel like ****, and I was incredibly pissed at my friends for their act of careless kindness.

I design games. This doesn't help with trying to socialize while outside of school, I mean I still go to parties and people's houses, but maybe I spend a bit too much time on the computer. This is sort of a hobby and I never want it to be anything more than that. It is also not very enjoyable. Think of it as a sort of addiction almost. But other than that, I have no interest in any other videogames and I rarely watch TV.

My parents have decided that taking my cell phone away will help improve my attitude. I have not been allowed to use my cell phone in 5 months now. That is a nearly painful amount of time.

...And I think that's all I really have to say. I talked to a friend about this on the phone a little while ago, and she made me feel a little better I suppose. But I must thank you for this wonderful service and I must thank any of you who read this.