So i took your advice n went to the doctor today - after hours of diliberation, self-denial n confusion. N you know what? All i gained from the experience was a load of humiliation - that i really don't need right now. It was soooo awful - i just want to curl up n die when i think about it now. She didn't get it, i couldn't explain myself at all - i told her about my diary but she didn't ask to see it or anything. Which is stupid as i can't communicate what i'm feeling unless it's in a written form because it seems less personal - i hate personal. It was sooo embarrassing she was like " as you have no physical symptoms i doubt you have biological depression" - fine, fair enough - but what about my emotional pain??!! Doesn't that count for anything!! She pretended to know how i felt, she said "i'm not dismissing what you're saying or feeling but i remember what it was like at your age - i was shy n couldn't talk to boys". The annoying thing was was that she was only about 3 years older than me practically - it was sooo humiliating - being addressed to like that as if i was over-exaggerating. N i wasn't as usually i played everything so damn cool. What's [censored] wrong with me, i don't have depression - so how can i help myself. She focused so much on the social aspects though i was trying to tell her - that's not a problem i can pretend at that, my problem is how stupid n worthless i feel. Oh i'm such a prat - it's as if i need to have something wrong with me! She was all "talk to someone" n i was like "i can't!!". She dismissed me - i went away thinking "thanks for nothing". I can't be arsed with feeling like this anymore - i can't be bothered with coping. What's the [censored] point - i'm not happy, i'll never be happy, i will always pretend to be someone i'm not, i have noone to talk to, noone that understands me, noone that wants me - i'm going to go on pretending till it gets to much - then i'll have a mental breakdown or hurt someone. I was so humiliated i didn't explain to her any of my past - she didn't ask! - n i didn't even tell her that i was having these horrible thoughts. I could tell her on paper - but talking is sooo hard!! I Help ME!!!!!! What is happening, am i being a hypercondriacte - i'm super sensitive that's all - i hate being a teenager everything is put down to that!! Then again, maybe i am just being stupid, thinking my problems are worse that everyone elses. I hate being me - i'm tired of being me - i hate it all. I'm never going to open up to anyone again, i have never been so humiliated in all my life. I'm not ever going to the doctors again!! I'm just going to cope as usual - n hope for the best - even if there is no bloody hope!! What's the point - you guys - did you have to convince others that something was wrong - did they dismiss you!! I'm such a freak - i'm trying to hide behind depression - get over it Abby, you are nothing, you will never be anything, be happy n stop whallowing in self-pity. Write back soon please i need to talk! Abby